


my heart, it's like paper

by IzzieBee



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mutual Pining, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Protectiveness, Season/Series 17, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:28:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24272821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IzzieBee/pseuds/IzzieBee
Summary: Kasie reached out and took Ellie’s hand, just as the paramedics closed the ambulance doors behind them. With her other shaking hand she pressed ‘call’ under Nick’s contactThings were going fine, Kasie told herself, Ellie was safe.(Nick is probably going to murder someone, though).ORSomeone puts something in Ellie's drink during a girls night out, and even thought Kasie and Jack made sure nothing else happens,  nothing was ever going to be the same again.
Relationships: Ellie Bishop/Nick Torres
Comments: 84
Kudos: 372





	1. trouble

Kasie was probably in shock, she knew that. She wasn’t a doctor, but she was a scientist. She could catalogue her symptoms: lightheaded, shaking, and a feeling of numbness. 

Shock. 

Tonight was supposed to be fun, Kasie thought blankly, she was sure that tonight was supposed to be fun. 

It had been her idea: girls night. She wasn’t used to having a lot of female friends but she loved working with Jack and Ellie. They were both smart and driven, and Ellie liked Comic Con, and Jack didn’t really know what that was, but was blindly supportive, none the less. 

It was supposed to be fun. They would get all dressed up and have a few drinks. 

(Some Karaoke, too, maybe). 

It was a Friday, after a long case, and it all started out fine. They drank and gossiped. 

Well Jack and Kasie drank, Ellie was just drinking club soda. 

“It doesn’t really affect me,” Ellie had shrugged, when Kassie had asked, “So what’s the point?”

It was lucky, in the end, that she was just drinking club soda. It was how they noticed, so quickly, when something was off with Elllie. They were debating what song to sing for Karaoke when Ellie started feeling dizzy, and then, slurring her speech. 

“I think someone put something in my drink,” Ellie stuttered out, her words lazy and uneven. 

(Ellie had looked so scared, she couldn’t get that out of her head) 

Jack called 9-11 before she collapsed. 

They had been trying to get her outside, and then she crumpled, Kasie catching one arm, and Jack the other. 

(Ellie had looked so small.) 

They got her in the ambulance, she knew that. 

Now, the overhead lights on the bar were all turned on, and the sirens from the ambulance and patrol car were ringing steadily, (she understood why her ears hurt, but it didn’t explain the stinging around the edges of her eyes). 

Jack was stomping around, high heels, and using a scary calm voice and everyone from police to bartenders were doing exactly what she said. 

And Ellie- 

She is in the back of an ambulance, she didn’t know how she could have forgotten for a moment. Kasie should go there, ride over with Ellie, even if she’s unconscious, she shouldn’t be alone-

“Kasie,” Jack hurried over, phone in hand, “Gibbs is going to meet you at the hospital after he stops by the scene. Can you ride over with Ellie and call Nick.”

“Nick?” Kasie asked, her stomach dropping.

“He should know,” Jack’s face softened, “Don’t you think.”

Before Kasie could answer, Jack was already barking orders at a frightened looking crime scene tech. 

Jack was right, of course, if anyone deserved to know it was Nick. Didn’t mean she wanted to be this messenger, though. 

Kasie took a deep breath. She needed to sit with Ellie, before the ambulance drove off. Step one, she could do step one. 

As she sat next to Ellie, with an oxygen mask on, and deep purple under her eyes, like painted on bruises, all she could think of was a quick conversation with Nick in her lab, maybe three months before. 

Fornell’s daughter had just been drugged and the team was not telling him all of the details of the case. When Kasie had asked why, Nick had shrugged knowingly. 

“What would your Dad do if someone tried to drug you?” Nick had asked, not expecting an answer, probably. 

But, for whatever reason, Kasie had fixed him with a hard stare and given him just that. 

“Same thing you would do if they did that to Bishop.” 

She had expected him to brush that off, the way he always seemed to whenever anyone insinuated that there was anything between Ellie and Nick, besides work appropriate friendship. Instead a dark look crossed his face, and he turned and left. 

She knew right then, that whatever was between the two of them, ran a hell of a lot deeper than friendship and flirting. 

What would he do when he saw badass special agent Bishop in a hospital bed? When he knew what someone did to her, tried to do to her? 

She knew the answer, and a chill ran down her spine. 

Kasie reached out and took Ellie’s hand, just as the paramedics closed the ambulance doors behind them. With her other shaking hand she pressed ‘call’ under Nick’s contact

Things were going fine, Kasie told herself, Ellie was safe. 

(Nick is probably going to murder someone, though).


	2. worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick rushes to the hospital

Nick was half asleep on his couch, a soccer game that he didn’t have any emotional stakes in, playing in the background and a beer half drank and warm on the coffee table, when the blare of his phone woke him up. 

He sat up, groaning. The only person that would call him at, Nick glanced at the clock on the wall, midnight, was Gibbs with a dead petty officer discovered outside a night club, or some such. The last thing he wanted was the schlepp to some crime scene and have to avoid looking too long at Ellie in her little black dress. Somehow, the picture of her in heels, NCIS windbreaker and hat was more attractive than it had any right to be.

It was getting ridiculous, how distracting she was. He wasn’t quite sure how she hadn’t noticed by now, considering how much smarter Ellie was. Even Ziva David noticed, and she had seen them together for all of five minutes, and she had him pegged. 

“Don’t be a wuss, tell her how you feel.”

Like it was so easy. 

(Like Ellie would ever feel the same way). 

The ringing shook him out of his self flagellating spiral, and Nick frowned when he saw that it was not Gibb’s name flashing across the screen, but Kasie’s. 

He sat up, tiredness draining from his body, quickly replaced by adrenaline. 

Sure Ellie went out with her and Jack tonight, but that didn’t mean-

He was just being paranoid. Kasie was probably calling him on accident, or for a ride home because Uber was too expensive during peak hours-

Right?

He clicked ‘accept call’. 

“Nick,” Kasise said, her voice higher and faster than usual, “It’s Kasie. Please, don’t freak out-”

“Not a great way to start Kase” Nick’s brow furrowed, and he was trying to keep some very dark thoughts at bay, “You okay-”

“I’m fine, Nick,” He could hear her exhale, before she said, “It’s Ellie.” 

Nick tried not to have those two words confirm his worst fears. 

(He didn’t do a great job). 

“Where are you?” Nick was grabbing his jacket, his keys, his wallet automatically, and was out the door before Kasie had the chance to say anything. 

‘What ifs’ were permeating his brain, each one worse than the next. 

“We were getting drinks with Jack but Ellie was only drinking water. And she started slurring her speech. Nick she collapsed- ” 

“Kasie,” Nick, trying to keep his voice steady, already half way to his bike, parked outside his apartment, “Where are you?” 

“We are just arriving at Walter Reade,” Nick could just now hear the sirens (how had he not noticed them before), and it turned his stomach, “Um, we are heading to the ICU-”

“I’m on my way,” Nick said, “Call me if anything, anything changes.”

Nick hung up before Kasie could say anything else, and just as he did he put the key in the ignition, and was driving much to fast to be safe, on the way to Walter Reade. 

He was trying to just focus on getting to Ellie quickly, hopefully without breaking his arm or skull in the process, but he couldn’t help think about the last time he saw Ellie, just a few hours before, in the bull pen. 

He had seen Kasie and Ellie waiting for the elevator, and Kase must have said something funny because Ellie through her head back and laughed in that way that made it impossible for him to not grin as well. They were all dressed up, it was the first time he had ever seen Kasie in a dress, and Ellie, well-

She looked sensational, her hair wavy and a bit wild with a little black dress and heels that transported him back to bate and tackle shot, when she was Charli and he was Luis. This was better though, because she wasn’t pretending to be anyone else, or putting on an act-

She was just Ellie, in a dress. 

(And it wasn’t like he didn’t think the same things when she was in a sweater and jeans)). 

“Ladies,” Nick drawled walking towards them, trying to keep his voice light and teasing, “Where are you both off to?”

“Drinks,” Ellie said quickly, flashing him a quick smile, before turning back towards Kasie. 

“Without me?” Nick said, all fake hurt, not able to not to tease her (especially when she looked like that). 

“Girls night, Torres,” Ellie said with a glint in her eyes, “You are so not invited.”

“I’m crushed,” Nick said clutching his heart in mock outrage.

“You’ll live,” Ellie teased right back. 

“Well, you look great” As Nick said it he almost regretted it, almost, because Ellie’s smile just got bigger. 

Kasie cleared her throat, and the spell was broken, and Nick took a step back, realizing he had been inching towards Ellie. 

“I mean,” Nick said, smiling at Kasie now, “You both look great.”

“Yah,” Kasie said rolling her eyes, “Me and Ellie, look the same amount of great.”

Ellie bit her lip, and Nick winced. 

He usually was better at not showing all his cards. 

(Wasn’t he?) 

“Well have fun Kase,” Nick said, diplomatically, “B.”

The elevator door opened then, and Ellie and Kasie got on, while Nick retreated to the Bull Pen to finish some paper work before he called it a night. He looked back, once, before the doors closed, and he could have sworn that Ellie was looking at him too. 

Nick hardly remembered parking, or finding the ICU, but now he was here at the desk, asking over and over again about Eleanor Bishop, until he heard his name. 

“Nicolas Torres?” A nurse, maybe sixy, in scrubs and a severe looking bun, holding a clipboard, was looking around the waiting room. 

“Yes,” Nick said quickly, turning away from the desk, “That’s me.”

“You saved me a call,” She said, turning toward the double doors; Nick followed, “You are Eleanor Bishop’s emergency contact, correct.”

That was news to Nick but he just nodded. 

“Yes,” Nick said, his voice sounding hoarse to his own ears, “I am.” 

“You can call me Nurse Clarke,” she nodded in greeting,“Follow me.”

Nick dutifully followed, as she pushed her way through the double doors. 

“What happened?” Nick asked, “Is she still unconscious?” 

Nick tried not to notice the patients they passed, the breathing tubes, the groans of pain. He tried not to imagine what Ellie looked at right now-

“Yes,” Nurse Clarke shot him a look, something akin to pity, “But we expect her to wake up any time now, the IV drip should help flush the drugs out of her system-”

“Drugs,” Nick stopped in his tracks, and the nurse turned back to look at him, pity morphing into mild annoyance, “Ellie Bishop does not do drugs.”

“No, that makes sense,” Nurse Clarke’s face softened at that, “We don’t think she took them on purpose.”

“Then what-” Nick said, before it all hit him like some horrible brick, “Oh.”

“Her blood test came back positive,” She confirmed, “for Rohypnol”

He had so many awful things in his head. Aneurysm, stroke, even poison, but he hadn’t thought, hadn’t even imagined-

Rohypnol, roofies; people used them to-

Nick wasn’t really sure what happened next, except that he turned on his heel, leaving Nurse Clarke in his wake. 

It should really concern him, that he didn’t notice Gibbs, until he was nearly half way across the waiting room. Gibb was flashing his badge at the front desk, asking to see ‘Bishop’

(Why hadn’t thought of that?”)

“Torres,” Gibbs shot him a look like he was a complete idiot, “Where do you think your going.”

“To find this bastard.” People were staring now, and a few were whispering to each other. 

“And what about Bishop?” Gibbs crossed the room, and when he got to Nick, his voice was low, “Punching some lowlife is going to make you feel better, not her.”

“And if he gets away,” Nick said, his voice only rising, “How is she going to feel about that?”

“NCIS is going to do a joint investigation,” Gibbs continued, “With DCPD. They believe that this is part of a larger investigation, a serial rapist.”

The word sent ice through his veins.

“Gibbs,” Nick swallowed, trying not to implode from the horror of it all, “This could have ended a hell of a lot worse.”

“But it didn’t,” There was a flash behind Gibbs eye’s, and it dawned on Nick that he might not be the only one, coming apart at the seems. 

Gibbs cared about him, he knew that, but Ellie was like a daughter to him. 

“Gibbs-” Nick started, but Gibbs just shook his head, with a pointed look. 

“We are going to make this guy pay,” Gibbs muttered, barely loud enough for Nick to here, “You can be sure of that.”

Nick nodded stiffly. 

“But why can’t I-”

“Can you promise not to take a swing at the guy when we find him?”

“Gibbs-”

“Because if you can’t,” Gibbs put a hand up, “You could ruin this case, not just for Ellie but for the other women.” 

“I can’t just sit here,” Nick ran his hands through his hair, “And do nothing-”

“Go sit with Ellie. She should be waking up soon,” Gibbs, with total confidence, it was almost reassuring, “You can take her statement. If you promise to stay with her, I’ll update you, okay?”

“Yah,” Nick murmured, hating every moment of standing down, “Okay.”

“Nicolas Torres,” Nurse Clarke was standing by the double doors arms crossed, looking unimpressed. “Are you-”

“Coming,” Nick rolled his eyes, “Yah.”

He walked towards the double doors, and didn’t look back. 

He walked behind Nurse Clarke, who didn’t say anything until they reached a doorway at the end of the hall. 

“She may be,” Nurse Clarke said, her face unreadable, “Disoriented, when she wakes up.”

Nick wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he nodded, and she took her leave. He steeled himself, for a moment, and then he opened the door. 

Seeing Ellie like that was worse than he was expecting. 

He had always been the one all banged up, getting punched or getting shrap metal removed from his shoulder. Even when she was almost shot, she was shaken but unhurt; hell that night they had talked about, curled up with a baby on Gibb’s couch-

And now Ellie looked near lifeless in a hospital bed, machines beeping loudly around her. 

It nocked the breath out of him, and he had to look away to regain it, tears pricking at the edges of her eyes. It was then that he noticed Kasie, who was curled up in the chair next to Ellie’s bed, looking just about as beaten down as he felt. 

“Hey Nick,” Kasie said her voice raw, as she stood up, her eyes flitting from Ellie to Nick, looking gutted.. He didn’t even think about it, he crossed the room and gave her a hug.

“Hey Kase,” Nick said as he pulled away to study her face for a moment,“You okay?”

“Fine.” Kasie said unconvincingly, her arms dropping to her sides, “I’m fine.”

This was probably one of the worst things she’s seen, Nick realized. Kase’s life wasn’t in the field, but in labs, and classrooms. This probably shook her up more than she was willing to say, right now. 

“Why don’t you head home,” Nick said, forcing a smile on his face, “Get some sleep. I’ll sit with her.”

“I don’t know,” Kasie started, her brows scrunching together in concern. 

“It’s okay,” Nick said, “Get some sleep. I think we will be living this case for a while.”

Kasie nodded in agreement, but not before she cast a long heavy look at Ellie. Before she could leave, her bag in hand, Nick called after. 

“Kase.”

She turned to look at him. 

“Yah?”

“Thanks.” 

Kasie gave him a sad sort of half smile, and one last look at Ellie, before walking through the door. 

Nick forced himself to look at Ellie, after Kasie left. 

(She’s alive, he told himself, she’s alive and she’s safe). 

Gone was the little back dress and heels, replaced with the hospital gown, that was making her already pale skin look sallow, the skin under her eye’s bruise-like purple. She hardly looked like herself, and not for the first time this evening he found himself plotting the death of this guy. 

Who could do this to a woman? Take the life out of them, so that they what, didn’t have to face rejection? So they could take what they wanted, without having to see women as more than objects. 

Who could do this to a woman?

Who could do this to Ellie? 

What he wouldn’t have given for Ellie to be glaring at him right now; he would have taken anything, her screaming that she hated him. Truely, anything. He just wanted to see her awake, see her being Ellie.

He took the seat that Kasie had vacated, and almost as soon as he was settled, Ellie's eyes started blinking open. 

He shot to his feet. 

“Hey, B,” Nick said, his voice wobbling, but his smile huge and genuine, “How you doing.”

She looked so small, and so young, like this, blinking up at him, confused.

The precise eyeliner she had on in the bullpen, when they had flirted (or he had flirted with the women he was crazy about, and she joked around with her partner), was now smudged, making her light brown eyes look larger. 

(He loved her eyes, always had). 

“Tired,” Ellie murmured, her hands moving and finding the IV, the cannula; “What happened?”

Nick’s heart stopped. How could he explain, how could he tell her-

“Ellie-” Nick started, but before Nick could answer her eyes closed, and with a single long exhale, she was asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate comments and kudos!


	3. simple thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie wakes up.

Ellie’s head ached, and even without opening her eyes she could feel the harsh light. She scrunched her eyes closed, just a bit tighter, and groaned. 

Her whole body ached, and her head was foggy. It was like she was put through the wringer, and she had no idea why-

She was at the bar on 72nd with Jack and Kasie and they were discussing Karaoke songs (Ellie’s go to was Fleetwood Mac). She could taste cheap club soda, with two limes-

Then nothing.

Everything was blank. 

Dread coursed through her body, she knew, all at once that something had happened. 

And it wasn’t good. 

Light was a kaleidoscope behind her eyes, and everything was too loud, and even the air hurt her skin. 

She knew that you don’t feel like that when everything is just fine. 

Ellie opened her eyes (what could she say, she didn’t run from a fight). 

“What happened,” Ellie mumbled and she turned her head one way than the other, taking stock of the fluorescent lights, antiseptic smell, and machines beeping steadily. A hospital, she was in a hospital, but why? 

Ellie tried to sit up, but she held down by an IV in one arm, and she hissed as the needle went deeper into her skin as she did. 

She hissed, and everything was more real, especially the pain. Why did she open her eyes? Why did she feel this way?

“Hey, B,” Ellie turned towards the voice, but she knew who it was before she looked over. 

Nick, her partner, her friend, her-

Even with just two words, his voice warmed her, and steadied her heartbeat, just a bit. 

(Things would be okay, if he was there; it wasn’t rational, she didn’t have any evidence, or even Gibb’s famous gut, she just, knew). 

Ellie turned her head, following his voice, and there he was. 

Nick was sitting in the chair next to her bed (she was in a hospital bed, that didn’t seem right, but she supposed it had to be true), a case file, she didn't recognize it though, was closed on his lap, and he was looking at her, with a smile she couldn’t quite read. 

“What happened,” Ellie asked, her voice rough and raspy; she didn’t know what she was wincing at, the voice that didn’t sound like hers, or the fact that her whole body felt like a bruise. 

“You have been in and out of consciousness,” Nick said, his voice measured, like he was trying to keep his voice even, controlled (she didn’t know what to make of that; she loved the ebbs and flows of his voice, how it would boil over with emotion, with teasing, with laughter), “You’ve been pretty disoriented.”

“You’re freaking me out, Nick,” Ellie said, her voice stronger and more sure than before, but still shaking, “Why am I in the hospital.” 

“Rip the band aid off?” Nick said, and Ellie closed her eyes, and nodded, once and then twice. 

Just like ‘going swan’, she knew what he meant, without any follow up questions. She just needed to know, nothing could be worse than the not knowing. 

Right?

“Someone put something in your drink,” If she didn’t know Nick, she might not have caught the thinly concealed rage in his voice, “Rohypnol. A large dose, which is why it took a few hours for you to be conscious-”

“Where did they find me?” Ellie could feel the tears stream down her face before she realized she was crying. 

“You were with Kasie and Jack the whole time,” Ellie let that sink in, tried to take those words and interrogate all the possible meanings. 

If she was with them, the whole time, that must mean-

“So nothing-” Ellie wiped, clumsily at her face, trying to wipe the tears away. 

“Nothing happened,” Nick said, and it was almost like he was convincing himself, as well as her. She had been hurt by this, but she was not violated in that way. Relief poured over her, and Ellie let out a breath she had been holding, and let the fact that Kasie and Jack had taken care of her, wash over. 

Nick though, didn’t look equally relieved. 

Ellie scrunched up her brows, and for the first time since she woke up, she really studied the man at her bedside. He looked so steady, so sure, but his eyes-

He was so scared, she could read it so clearly. As counterintuitive and strange as it was, she wanted to comfort him, make sure he wasn't hurt beyond repair.

“I’m okay, Nick,” Ellie said, and she reached her arm out towards him, hand outstretched. She was expecting him to maybe squeeze it once, or brush off the gesture all together. 

She wasn’t expecting him to lace their fingers together, and bring her hand up, once, to his lips. 

(She swore she could feel the place where his lips met her skin radiate heat all the way to her toes). 

He didn’t seem to notice that this was way more intimate than they had ever been with each other. Sure they kissed undercover, once, but somehow this seemed to cross way more lines. For a second she was transported to her daydream world, that she only visited in the hazy moments before falling asleep, where Nick was way more than a partner. 

But she wasn’t in her daydream world, and Nick was her partner, and he had no evidence that he felt anything more for her then friendship and deep concern. 

She really couldn’t risk becoming more lightheaded, not when she had more questions. 

(She really couldn’t risk falling harder, when he already didn’t feel the same way). 

Ellie slipped her hand out of his, her cheeks feeling pinker then before, and she brought her hand to her face, brushing back a wayward chunk of hair; God, it probably looked like a rat’s nest, not that it should be her priority right now-

Ellie frown deepened, and she tried to shake away the spiraling thoughts like cobwebs. 

Questions, she had questions. 

“Do you know why someone did this?” Ellie asked, trying to read Nick’s expression as she did, searching his face for clues before he had a chance to answer, “I mean was it related to a case. Some payback for putting someone away-”

She saw a flicker of something in his eyes: pure, unadulterated hatred. He wouldn’t look at her now, and his fists were clenched. He would hate anyone who tried to hurt her, tried to hurt any of the team, but this must be-

It hit Ellie, all at once, and it was like ice was running through her veins.

“Oh,” Ellie breathed out. 

“Apparently this guy has been targeting this bar for a couple of weeks,” Nick confirmed her worst suspicions, his voice choppy and rough, like he was having trouble getting from one word to the next, “DCPD is going to partner with us on the case. You fit the profile, of…”

“Victims,” Ellie finished dully, and her eyes flickered to the case file on his lap, and she had a sicking realization, “You have there pictures don’t you.” 

Nick nodded, not quite meeting her eyes. 

Ellie knew she needed to see them, the women, but she wasn’t ready quite yet. 

(What characteristics tied them together, linked her to these women, horribly and inextricably by violence and a sociopath). 

“Did he kill them?” Ellie whispered, not sure if she was ready to here the answer, but she continued with a, “Rip off the band aid.”

“No,” Nick said, and she believed him, but he wouldn’t quite meet her eye. 

Nick wouldn’t lie to her, but he might not say the whole truth. What was his omission? 

“But,” Ellie studied him as she spoke, trying to read his poker face “He’s been ramping up, hasn’t he? That’s why I had such a large dose.” 

Nick nodded stiffly. It all sunk in, and Ellie felt her insides turn, almost like seas sickness and all at once she understood why he might not have shared all the details of the case (of her case, she realized with a sickening jolt), at once. 

“Why are there people like this Nick?” Ellie asked, looking up at the ceiling as she did. Her world was spinning, and she wished she had all the answers. 

She didn’t feel like she had any of the answers. 

“I don’t know Ellie.” Nick murmured, “I don’t know.”

“I can give you descriptions,” Ellie turned her head towards Nick again, speaking rapidly,   
“Everyone I talked to, everyone I remember. I can do sketches.”

“That can wait until the morning,” Nick said firmly. 

“But what if-” Ellie barreled on, but Nick silenced her with a pointed look. 

“Let’s wait, until the drugs are completely out of your system,” Nick said, not unkindly, “You are legally not impaired, and at the moment you are I will take your statement.”

Ellie let out an undignified huff, and Nick suppressed a smile. 

She rolled her eyes, she so didn’t want to be amusing right now. 

“What time is it?” Ellie asked, looking around the room as she did; really not one of these machines could also display the time?

“2:37,” Nick said, glancing at his phone. 

That made Ellie’s head turn. How could she have almost six hours just gone?

“You can’t stay all night-” Ellie started. Nick had a job in the morning, and she was fine by herself, she was in a hospital with medical personnel and security.

(It didn’t matter that she felt safer with him right nearby, she was never going to admit that, she was a federal agent for God’s sake). 

“I am,” Nick said with a dark look that shouldn’t have hit her low in her stomach (but did), “And I will.”

“Well,” Ellie said, hating how petulant her own voice sounded, “You don’t have to.”

“Okay,” Nick said, leaning further back in his seat. 

“Okay,” Ellie muttered, but as she did, she moved to quickly, and it was like her whole body was radiating pain. 

“Ellie,” Nick started then stopped, “What do you need.”

That was a question that could have some dangerous answers. 

So instead she just said: 

“Water?”

“Yah,” Nick produced an unopened bottle of water, from behind his chair, “You got it.”

Ellie craned her head trying to see what else he had stored back there; maybe Nick had made a trip to the vending machine-

It took her a moment to realize Nick was trying to hand the bottle to her. 

“Thanks,” Ellie grabbed it and took a few sips. Luke warm, but still it settled her stomach, and she felt a little less horrible. 

Ellie regarded him, in between sips, she wasn’t surprised that he was being stubborn and refusing to go home and sleep. That was Nick, loyal to a fault and never, never refused a challenge. Staying with her, though? When their was a serial rapist, would-be murderer on the loose? 

“I’m surprised you’re here.” Ellie said, tilting her head in his direction, hands wrapped around the now empty bottle, “Thought you would be harassing DCPD, knocking down doors. Using you’re super powers.”

Nick almost smiled, as she parroted his own words back to him. 

“I wanted to be here,” He said carefully, taking the bottle from her hand, and tossing it in the recycling can, just outside her hospital room. 

Ellie started talking as soon as he was back in the room. 

“Yah,” Ellie teased, “And Gibbs said no.”

At that Nick cracked a smile, and it was like the sun came out (she hadn’t realized how much she had missed his smile. 

“And Gibbs said no,” Nick agreed, and despite the smile, their was something dark in his voice. 

Ellie's stomach turned; she knew Nick. If he met this guy in a dark alley, well, only one of them was going to walk out of it. She knew that, in all likelihood that would be Nick, but there was not a 100% chance that he would survive some vigilantly crusade, and the odds were even worse that he wouldn’t ruin his life in the process. 

(Gibbs survived, but now he had ex-wives, bourbon, and a boat in his basement; she loved Gibbs, but she didn’t want that for Nick). 

“Don’t go chasing after him, when I fall asleep,” Ellie said, looking at her hands and not at him, “Like go home and sleep, if you want, but don’t try to find him, not tonight.” 

“Ellie-”

Ellie silenced him with a look. 

“Just,” Ellie tried to keep her voice calm, but she could here her emotion bubble up in her words, “I feel pretty awful right now, and I don’t want to worry about you-”

“I’d be fine-” She rolled her eyes at that. 

“It’s the other guy I’m worried about,” When she says ‘guy’ she can here the acid in her own, voice, “I’m worried about what you’ll do when get the guy.”

“I wouldn’t do anything-” Nick blustered, and Ellie rolled her eyes. For a federal agent, an undercover one at that, he was a terrible liar. 

“Stupid?” Ellie let out of raspy laugh, focusing on the IVs, and tubes around her, “I would do something stupid for you, so I might just be projecting, but, I feel like you would do something stupid for me.”

Nick didn’t say anything, but his expression softened. 

“Yah,” Nick smiled, a sad sort of smile, “Whatever you want B.”

Ellie grinned, she loved when he called her that. 

(No one else got a nickname, that must mean something, right?) 

“Yah,” Ellie bit her lip, “If I ever get whatever I want, it’s today. God I feel stupid-” 

“It isn’t your fault,” His voice was so emphatic she almost believed him. Almost. 

“I’m a trained federal agent,” Ellie’s eyes narrowed, “And I didn’t notice when some guy put drugs in my club soda.” 

“This isn’t your fault,” Nick repeated, “It could have happened to anyone.” 

“Maybe,” Ellie murmured. She didn’t quite believe him, but it was nice to here. The adrenaline that coursed through her when she woke up, had faded and now she just felt a deep, aching kind of tired. The kind of tired that could have her sleeping for twelve hours. 

“Not maybe,” Nick’s voice was just as confident, it was kind of comforting, “Yes it could have.” 

“M’kay,” Ellie placated, as she moved, trying to make the pillow under her a bit more comfortable (it wasn’t working.) “You’re confident. Aren't you?”

“Yes,” Nick said, all bluster and self righteousness, and it shouldn’t have made her feel warm and safe, “Yes, I am.” 

She needed to sleep, she thought, it should have scared her, going into the dark- 

It wasn’t and she was terrified to admit why. 

“Either way, don’t think I am going to be hitting the bars anytime soon,” Ellie said as her eyes were fluttering shut, “Don’t think it would be fun. I’d be freaked out or second guessing everyone who looks at me twice. Guess I’ll just have to take up puzzles-”

Ellie actually liked puzzles, but going out was fun sometimes, too-

“I’ll take you dancing, next time,” Nick said, and he had no bravado in his voice. He sounded so sincere, that she felt tears prick on the edge of her eyes. 

(It was almost unkind, for him to say things like that, and not love her.) 

“Yah?” Ellie turned her head towards him, opening her eyes again. 

She couldn’t keep them open long enough to see him give her an answer. 

“Yah” She could hear Nick’s smile, even if she couldn’t see it, “Don’t worry, I’ll lead.”

Ellie meant to fire back some smart ass retort to that, but before she could, she was asleep, once more.


	4. down the hill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after hits everyone like a ton of bricks.

Nick’s whole body ached (sleeping in a wooden chair, was going to do that to you). The bright lights, and the beeping didn’t help either, nor did the fact that he was not actively hunting down the person who did this to Ellie-

That just didn’t sit right with him. 

She had woken him up at 4:00 AM, with a firm push to his shoulder, after she was given the all clear by Nurse Clarke that she didn’t have any drugs in her system. She had given him her statement; it was, unsurprisingly, sparse; the bar was crowded and she might not have even seen the guy who did it. 

He updated Gibbs who was, unsurprisingly, still awake and working. After that though, Ellie had been vibrating with nervous energy that seemed to be just growing. 

They talked a little bit about nothing important, and Ellie's nerves seemed to dim. They talked about the twins and McGee and Delilah’s search for a preschool that fit their budget and very specific academic standards. The laughed over Ellie’s last video chat with Abby, where she was convinced she only said ten words, because of how excited Abbs was over her charities expansion. They speculated over the possibility of Tony and Ziva visiting for Christmas this year (although Nick kind of doubted that would actually happen; who would want to spend the holidays in DC when you could be in Paris, instead?) 

He must have fallen asleep around 5:00 AM and it was now, Nick glanced at his phone, it was 7:00 AM (otherwise known as ‘undercover sleeping in’, he thought.)

He looked over at Ellie, expecting her to be asleep (if anyone deserved to sleep in, it was her), but she was not only awake, but obviously had been up for a while.

She was sitting criss cross, over the covers of her bed, a clipboard and pencil in hand, sketching furiously. He recognized that look on her face, from the few times he tagged along with Palmer and Ellie’s early morning drawing sessions; he tended to spend more time watching her eyebrows scrunch up, and her biting her lip as she tried to get a tricky bit of shading. Even though Palmer thought they had no chemistry, he gave him a look the last time he went like maybe he was reconsidering; Nick stopped joining them after that. 

“You’ve been awake a while,” Nick said, without really thinking, regarding her. 

She had pulled back her hair in a tight ponytail, like when they were at a scene, and there was color in her cheeks, and she had washed away the left over makeup. 

She looked better, she looked like herself, and for that he was grateful. 

“Hey,” Ellie looked up, and she gave him a bright smile, “You’re up!”

“Yah,” Nick stretched his neck, as he stood up, “What are up to?”

“I never went back to sleep,” Ellie said quickly, her voice a bit higher than usual, answering the question he didn’t ask, “I am drawing sketches, see if they match anyone on Gibbs or DCPD’s radar.” 

Even though she looked better, he wasn’t sure if this was a healthy coping strategy (not that he was an expert on that; his coping strategies usually involved tequila, and punching people).

“Good,” Nick said, nodding, not sure what else to say, “That’s good.”

“And I am going to be discharged,” She said brightly, “Soon. Jack is going to stop by with some clothes, I think-”

Nick glanced at his phone, seeing a missed call from Gibbs, and voice mail. He listened to the message, while Ellie continued to sketch, occasionally glancing at her own phone (Nurse Clarke must have brought Ellie’s purse to her, while he was asleep). 

“Gibbs is going to stop by,” Nick slid his phone in his pocket, “He should be here in fifteen.”

“Good,” Ellie bit her lip, looking a bit uncertain, “That’s good.”

“You okay?” Nick asked, and Ellie looked like she was going to nod, but then her plastered on smile broke, and she looked just as small and vulnerable as she did when she was unconscious only a few hours before. 

“It’s just weird.” Ellie murmured, her eyes watery, “Being this side of a case, you know?”

“Yah,” Nick nodded, remembering his own experience being drugged, and dumped on an abandoned ship; that had been the hangover from hell, “I know.”

“Right,” Ellie flashed him a grateful sort of smile, as she rubbed away unshed tears, “That’s right, you would.” 

Nick sat next to her on the bed, trying to ignore the way his heart beat faster whenever he was this close to her. 

Ellie had a stack of copy paper in front of her, and as he looked through each was a portrait of a man. 

“Which one’s this guy?” Nick said, trying to keep his voice even (there were so many pictures, and he might not even be in this pile-)

“Guy at the bar,” Ellie said absentmindedly, she had returned to her sketch. 

“First or second guy who tried to buy you a drink?” Nick asked, trying not to roll his eyes. It was a good thing he wasn’t a jealous guy. 

(He had never been particularly jealous before but with Ellie, well, the jury was still out.)

If Nick was acting odd, though, she didn’t seem to notice.

“Third,” Ellie said, without looking up longer than a second before she returned to the sketch, “The other two guys, are there-”

Ellie gestured to the pile. 

“Him?” Nick asked, pointing to the sketch she was currently working on. 

“Starring from the dance floor,” Ellie said her voice carefully nonchalant, showed him the half done sketch, who looked a bit like an NCIS accountant (he really hated that guy), “Creepy vibe.”

Ellie was awful at noticing when guys were interested, so if he was on her radar, he was worth running a background on. 

“Good idea.” Nick said, “These are going to help a lot.”

“Thanks,” She shrugged, “Not the most fun art session, ever, I will admit.”

Nick winced and nodded.

He wanted to reach out and take her hand again, or rest one on her knee, but she pulled away so quickly last night, and he didn’t want to over step. The last thing she needed after being violated, her autonomy taken away when someone slipped something in her drink, was him pushing her for more. 

He promised himself, he was going to be a safe person for Ellie, not another guy who wanted too much. 

They sat in comfortable silence, Nick at a safe distance away, as Nick read through the case file (again) while, Ellie continued sketching ‘creepy vibes’ guy. 

“Hey you two,” Nick looked up and saw Jack leaning against the doorway, Gibbs with her. 

Gibbs walked over and gave Ellie a kiss on the head, and whispered something in his low, gravely Gibbs voice that he couldn’t hear but had her laughing. 

“So I’m getting discharged,” Ellie said, smiling at Gibbs, “I have the medical all clear, so I can be back to work-”

“Ellie,” Jack starts, from her place by the door, “We wanted to talk to you about that-”

“You are going to take a couple of days,” Gibbs finished her thought, probably a whole lot more bluntly then Jack would have, “Paid medical leave.”

“What,” Ellie said in a way that made Nick really glad she wasn’t the focus of her anger, “Why?”

“Nick’s going to stay with you,” Gibbs continued, unfazed. 

Well, Nick jinxed himself. 

“He’s what-” Ellie was looking at him murderously, like this was his idea. She was looking furiously between the two of them. All Nick could think of was how dangerous it would be to be that close to Ellie for that long. Sure he had been to her apartment, but never alone with Ellie for more than 15 or 20 minutes. Staying over, not leaving her side, it was everything he had ever wanted with a trick up its sleeve. He got to glimpse what he wanted but not have it, not really. 

“This was not my idea,” Nick said quickly, his stomach sinking at Ellie’s distress and with anger boiling in his stomach; if Ellie couldn’t look for this guy, he sure as hell should be, “Wait, so I’m off the case, what the f-”

“Alright,” Jack walked all the way into the room, hands raised, “Everyone to their corners.” 

“This is not happening,” Ellie groaned, as she put her head in her hands, her words a bit muffled, “I do not need a babysitter.” 

“Don’t you need our help on the case,” Nick said, knowing it was a lost cause, but not quite ready to 

“We’ll manage without you Torres,” Gibbs said firmly, his voice raising just a bit, “And Bishop it’s either Torres or a protective detail.” 

“Alright, boys out,” Jack said, and just as Gibbs opened his mouth, she continued, “Yes, I called you a boy, and I mean it, out!” 

Nick slinked away and the only thing that made it remotely okay, was Gibbs looked liked a dog with his tail between his legs. 

He turned back at the doorway, and tried to catch Ellie’s eyes, but she was dutifully looking at her hands.


	5. choose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie is discharged from the hospital, and her and Nick head home

Jack was sitting on the hospital bed, and while she was usually a comforting presence, right now Ellie just wished she would go away. She didn’t need her taking up Nick’s spot that he had occupied with his comforting presence, with her perfect hair, and heels. It just made Ellie feel a bit smaller and grubbier than she did before. 

(And, for better or worse, she missed Nick as soon as he left). 

She didn’t want to cry in front of Jack, didn’t want to confirm her suspicions that Ellie was not fit to do her job; she knew she was a good agent, and yet everyone was trying to take the one thing she knew she could do well, away from her. 

All because of some asshole who brutalized women for kicks. 

And now Nick, who looked mortified at the prospect of spending a few days with her in her apartment, with no choice but to look after her. Ellie hated this, and she hated that Nick might resent her for this. She was a grown ass woman, she could take care of herself. 

She was a grown ass woman, whose crush (yes, stupid, infintile, middle school-esque crush), was going to stay at her house. 

For days. 

Nick. 

In her apartment. 

For an extended period of time. 

Nick, the guy who she was mildly obsessed with. 

What could go wrong? 

All of this, not to mention the fact that someone had dosed her with a near deadly dose of a date rape drug, which had her feeling like one giant bruise, Ellie wasn’t going to be too mad at herself for being close to tears. 

That didn’t mean she wanted to cry in front of Jack though. 

(Especially because Nick staying with her had ‘Jack’s idea’ written all over it). 

“I know we aren’t quite the same size,” Jack said as she placed some carefully folded clothes in front of her, “But I thought these would do. I have some sneakers too, bra, underwear. I figure you don’t want to take any of your clothes from last night-”

Ellie ran her hands over a soft Padres sweatshirt, and the light grey joggers. 

“They were all taken for evidence,” Ellie interrupted, dully, not quite meeting Jack’s eyes. “Thanks.” 

“You okay?” Jack asked, and Ellie almost wished she had brought some lolly pops. It would be easier to just pick a color and have Jack figure out how she felt without having to say it. 

“I meant it,” Ellie muttered, feeling like a petulant child, “I don’t need a babysitter.” 

“I think,” Jack said, carefully, “This is just as much about Nick as it is about you.” 

“You mean,” She said slowly, “Keep him out of trouble?”

Ellie was echoing Gibbs’s words, when he first walked in this morning: “Keeping Nick out of trouble?” She had laughed at that, like he did anything just because of her. 

“That’s one way of putting it,” Jack smiled and there was laughter in her voice. 

That didn’t sit quite right with her. 

“Like I’ve ever kept him out of trouble,” Ellie said, shifting away from Jack, just a little. 

“Let’s not talk about Nick,” Jack said, her voice a bit firmer, “Let’s talk about you.”

“What do you mean?” She evaded, running her hands over the clothes again. 

Why wouldn’t Jack just leave? So she could change and cry in peace?

“Well, let’s put it like this,” Jack said her voice calm and even, almost comforting, “I know you have suffered a trauma-”

Ellie shook her head, ready to deny, deny, deny, but Jack just kept going. 

“Yes it is a trauma,” Jack continued, “Do you really want to be stuck in your apartment by yourself right now? Do you really think that is the best thing to help you heal?”

“No,” Ellie whispered, and tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, and she kind of hated Jack right now. 

(She didn’t hate Jack, but, just in this moment, she wished she wasn’t good at her job). 

“And if you could pick one person to be with,” Jack barrelled o, “Would you pick anyone else?”

Ellie let out a shaky breath and she found herself doing something she hadn’t planned. 

She told the truth. 

“I would pick Nick,” It was so easy to say out loud, it almost scared her. 

“So,” Jack had the grace not to look smug, “Don’t take as anything but a blessing. Take a few days.”

“Stuck at home,” Ellie continued, her voice razor thin, “I can’t even help.” 

“You will,” Jack said, putting a hand on her knee, “We’ll let you know how you can help. But you need a little bit of time.”

“I’m fine,” She said, unconvincingly, avoiding Jack’s eyes, “I’m not lying.”

“I don’t think you are.” 

That surprised Ellie, but when she searched her face, all things pointed towards ‘telling the truth’. 

“But.” Ellie prompted. 

“But, it’s going to hit you in waves,” Jack smiled, but sadeness laced her voice, almost delicately, “That’s okay too.” 

This time it was Ellie who reached her hand and took Jack’s squeezing lightly. 

Jack looked grateful, and Ellie, well, she felt a little less alone. 

Jack took her leave, a little while later, and Ellie thought she would burst into tears, as soon as she was alone. She didn’t though. So instead she just hurriedly got dressed, trying to ignore the sting where there used to be an IV, as she pulled over the sweatshirt.

She finished the paper work to be discharged, handed over her sketches to Gibbs, who couldn’t quite meet her eyes (she was pretty sure that Jack had chastised him for his less than delicate way of telling her about her ‘protective detail). Nick had floated in and out, during this, as he talked to (or interrogated, depending on your point of view), the nurses, Gibbs and Jack. 

McGee stopped by too, giving her a big hug that she melted into and it was almost like being home with her brothers (that was a call she wasn’t looking forward to making). They talked a bit, and McGee promised to keep her informed of the case, as soon as they made any headway. He also promised to bring over take out as soon as Nick started getting on her nerves (or the other way around, Ellie thought). 

McGee had just left to go into the office, when Nick popped in, again, not quite meeting her eyes as he said: 

“Meet you out front?” Ellie tried to catch his eye, but didn’t quite manage; Nick must have taken the pause for uncertainty, because he continued, “If that’s okay with you?”

“Sure Nick,” Ellie nodded, her voice even “That’s fine.” 

“Great,” Nick said and he was gone as quickly as he arrived. 

Ellie finished up the last of the paper work (who knew the worse night of her life would involve a morning after with so many forms). After a semi-humiliating trip through the ICU in a wheel chair. 

“It’s hospital policy,” Nurse Clarke had said firmly, circumventing her protest before they could start. 

Now she was standing, in clothes a size to big and unbrushed hair, by herself and looking for Nick, who was nowhere to be found. 

Today just kept getting better and better. 

Ellie got out her phone, ready to call him, when she heard Nick’s voice. 

“B!” Nick shouted and gesturing to her, on the edge of the passenger zone, “Over here!” 

Nick was leaning against his motorcycle, looking like some movie poster that he would have never watched, but Ellie would have every day of eighth grade, which was when her bad boy phase probably started-

She was rambling in her head. 

That was not a good thing. 

Especially when Ellie realized she was was staring, not saying anything. 

Was this some insane cosmic joke, after everything she had to straddle the guy who didn’t feel the same way for her, for the 20 minute ride home? Then after that, he would be in her apartment for days? Had she pissed off some petty deity without realizing it? 

Ellie walked over, hoping but not optimistic, that her face wasn’t beet red. 

“I came on my motorcycle.” Nick said running his fingers through his hair, more than a little sheepishly. 

“Yah,” Ellie said her words dripping with sarcasm and little bit of misplaced rage if she was going to be honest (it was so not fair that he looked like that, and right now, in this moment, she was blaming him), “Somehow, I figured that out Nick.” 

“Right,” Nick winced and Ellie immediately regretted her words, “We can get an Uber, or-”

“It’s fine, Nick,” Ellie forced a smile on her face, and it seemed to work because Nick’s face brightened in response. 

He grabbed two helmets, from the storage on his bike and handed her one, before jumping onto his bike, gracefully. 

(Asshole). 

“Of course you have an extra helmet,” Ellie tried to keep the jealousy out of her voice; it’s not like he ever hid the fact that he dated, a lot, but seeing the evidence hit her in a way that was not pleasant, “Just in case.” 

“Yah,” Nick looked confused, and that annoyed Ellie even more, “So?”

“Nothing,” Ellie huffed. 

“Just hop on,” Nick looked bemused, and that was annoying too. Ellie was going through a cosmic crisis and he didn’t even know why? 

Ellie rolled her eyes, but she did what he asked. 

He probably had dozens of girls on the back of his bike. This was probably about as intimate to him as a handshake, but Ellie felt like she couldn’t breath. 

Her legs were bracketing his as she wrapped her arms around his middle and she could feel him breath, and the muscles contract under her touch. 

Ellie didn’t know what she did to deserve this, but as he kicked the bike into gear, she was not sure anymore if she was being punished or rewarded. 

Either way, it was going to be a long, long drive home.


	6. home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Nick arrive home at her apartment

The drive over to Ellie’s place was either the best or worst twenty minutes of Nick’s life.

Maybe both. 

Scratch that, definitely both

Having Ellie so close, her legs wrapped around him, her arms steady around his stomach, and her chest pressed against his back-

His mind could have, quickly, gone tumbling into the gutter, if he was not careful.

(His mind had go into the gutter, a few times, and thank god he didn’t cause a major accident; that would have been hard to explain.) 

It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to driving with girls on the back of his motorcycle, her snide comment had more than a little truth to it. He was a guy who dated, casually, and near constantly, though not as much the last 6 months or so, (and by not as much, not at all). 

If she had been another woman, one he was dating, and she had said something like that she would have brushed off the comment as jealousy but Ellie couldn’t have been jealous, right? He was projecting, right?

Ellie, for better or worse, was not one of the women he would ask out, date casually; she was not a woman who it would ever be easy to leave. He knew that, instinctually, as soon as they met. So he teased, and flirted, and they kept a safe distance, and it was fine, fine. 

But she was still the girl you don’t leave if you have a choice, and she had his hands around her waist and it was more intense, it did effect him differently. 

(It was Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, and his feeling for her hit him like a sledge hammer, and he wasn’t even sure he wanted to feel any different). 

They didn’t say a word to each other then entire there there and Nick didn’t notice because he had been so busy not noticing, everything, and trying to keep them from driving straight into a tree. 

Ellie hopped off the bike the second he turned off the engine, and she was making her way to her apartment, without waiting a second for him, her arms crossed, shooting him one, dark look, before hurrying off.

Not that he could blame her. She was a grown woman, a federal agent, and she was fully capable of taking care of herself. If he had been in her shoes, Nick would have been rioting. 

(There was a not so small part of himself, that was also grateful that he was close by, just in case, that loved to be near her whatever the circumstance, but he kept silencing that part). 

It was also grating him, in a way that he knew Ellie must be feeling too, that he wasn’t tracking down this bastard, knocking on doors, interrogating suspects-

Ellie must feel that way, too. Those women, who didn’t have friends like Jack and Kasie, or just weren’t lucky, she would want to avenge them, the same if not more than she’d want vengeance for herself. 

That was just… Ellie. 

Nick didn’t know how to make everything right for Ellie, support her through a violation this extreme, help her deal with waking up in a hospital with half a night erased, help her call her parents, keep nightmares at bay-

He was crazy about Ellie, but there was a reason he didn’t pursue a relationship. He wasn’t this guy, the guy who stayed, the guy who made things better. He was the guy who fought his way through his twenties and early thirties, and now tracked down killers to atone for his mistakes, his darkest moments. 

He wanted to be there for her, but he didn’t know how. 

And Ellie, if her behavior since he met her in front of the hospital as any indication, seemed like she just wanted to be left alone. 

He half jogged behind her, catching the hallway door just before it shut, reaching her as she finished unlocking her front door. Ellie was muttered something about a shower, bustling around grabbing things before she disappeared into the bathroom and he heard the sound of the shower starting. 

After he stood, probably slack jawed, for an embarrassingly long staring at the bathroom door (he was so close to a naked Ellie, and it was bowling him over; if Nick from five years ago could see him now, he would punch him), he realized that Nick was alone in Ellie’s apartment for the first time. 

And he had no idea what to do with himself.

He had been here before, of course. The living room and hallway were familiar to him, a stopping ground before carpooling to a crime scene, or to goat yoga, or grabbing drinks with the team. 

The living room was familiar but he had never ventured anywhere else, even when he got to drunk to get home, after Reeves death. He slept on the couch, washed up in the bathroom, leaving a note thanking Ellie, before he made his way home, Ellie still asleep in her own room. 

The idea of just being here, of living here until this case was done, was doing some spirally things to his brain, and he needed to ground himself, and soon.

He walked further into the living room, and sat down at the couch (neutral ground, he figured). He got his phone out and started making calls. First to McGee, asking him to drop off some clothes and other stuff from his apartment, and then to Gibbs for the promised update. Soon he was calling contacts and tracking down leads over the phone, pacing (he probably only sat down for a minute, it wasn’t his process, even outside of the office) around the kitchen, living room. 

Nick was so focused, that it wasn’t until he ended his call with one of the bartenders working the night before did he notice that the shower had turned off, and that Ellie was looking through the case file a few from to him in a Oklahoma State sweatshirt, and leggings, her hair damp and wavy. 

If it had been a different time, different moment, Nick would have been distracted by how domestic this all was. He would have gone down the rabbit hole of wonderings, what it would be like to be with Ellie, to see if her in all moments and modes, and not just the ‘professional-Ellie’, and ‘work friend Ellie’, but ‘at home and comfortable Ellie”

(5-years-ago-Nick wouldn’t know what the hell to think of Nick today). 

He didn’t go down that particular rabbit hole though, because Ellie had the case report open, and she had spread pictures across her coffee table-

Photographs of the victims.

When he first saw them, sitting at Ellie’s bedside, when Gibbs had dropped off the case file, it was the closest he got to disregarding his orders, and leaving his partner to wake up alone. 

He didn’t leave and murder this man, but God, he had wanted to. 

They all looked like her: high cheek bones, delicate features, long blonde hair. They could have been Ellie’s sister’s, and with the painted on dark circles under there eyes, their broken expressions-

Seven women, and now Ellie, she was almost the eighth. 

It could have been her. 

And Ellie was looking at them, her face blank, but her eyes darting from one face to the next and next-

“Bishop-” Nick said, putting his phone in his back pocket, and sitting across from Ellie, whose legs were crossed crossed on the living room floor. 

“I just,” Elilie’s eyebrows scrunched together, like she was trying to solve a puzzle with no answer, “I was expecting that were all the same age, or similar heights, maybe same color hair, but not, this.”

“Yah,” Nick nodded, and then he waited a while, for her to speak again. 

“It shouldn’t matter,” Ellie said, almost dismissively, her voice sharp, “I’m not even really one of them. This guy didn’t do the same thing. I shouldn’t. It’s fine. Fine.”

Ellie got on her knees and started putting the photos away, her movements almost manic, and her expression determined. 

“B-” Nick started but she just glared, standing up, turning her back to him. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” He could tell her arms were crossed, but it was almost like they were wrapping around her in some attempt to shield her, to self soothe. 

“Like what, Ellie?” She turned around, looking determined to chew him out, but then her angry facade crumbled, and tears pooling in her eyes. 

Before he could stop himself, his arms were wrapping around her, pulling her into a hug. For a second Ellie’s whole body was stiff, then it relaxed, and he could feel her head rest on his shoulders, her tears bleeding though his shirt. 

Her arms, for the second time today, were wrapped around him, but this time her hands were low on his back, and without the noise from his bike he could hear and feel her breathing unsteady, at first, but the longer they stood there more even, breathing in deeper, before breathing out. 

“I’m so sorry,” Nick murmured, into her hair, still damp and it smelled like coconut, “I’m so sorry.” 

“I want to do right by them,” Ellie moved her head, and moving back, to look at him better, “Get them closure-”

“It’s okay,” Nick said quickly, trying to quell the uncertainty still darting in her eyes. “If you need closure, too. Okay?”

She opened her mouth, as though to protest, and then closed it again. They were now standing, a few inches apart, with there arms wrapped around the others waists. 

Almost like they were dancing. 

“Okay,” Ellie nodded. 

“What do you need,” Nick couldn’t stop himself from brushing some of the wet hair out of her eyes, and behind her hair. 

Ellie’s stomach rumbled, like on queue and he laughed. Her cheeks turned a little bit pinker, and he had no right to be this charmed by it (by all of these little things that she did, if he was being honest with himself). 

The spell was broken though and they stepped away from each other.

“Thai food?” Ellie said hopefully as she bit her lip, and Nick had to stifle a grin. 

(She had no right to be sexy and adorable, at the same time; it was infuriating.) 

“Whatever you want B,” Nick said, as he ran his fingers through her hair, “Whatever you want. 

They had a picnic on her kitchen floor, a table cloth haphazardly thrown underneath them, they ate lunch from take out containers. It was Nick’s idea, and Ellie shrugged and said sure, but her eyes lit up for just a second, and even though he didn’t particularly like sitting on the floor, it made it worth it. 

Ellie sitting criss crossed was her natural state, even if it wasn’t his, and it was like for the first time since this all started, she was breathing, really breathin. 

For the first time in almost twelve Nick felt like, maybe, everything was going to be okay.


	7. sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Nick's first night at the Ellie's place.

Ellie was amazed at how easy it was to spend the day with Nick in her apartment. 

Sure they worked together, spent hours upon hours in the car heading to crime scenes and naval yard, and were not strangers to after work drinks. This though, this was positively domestic, and she wasn’t sure what to make of that.

She had been so annoyed at him. Misplaced, sure. Annoyed that Gibbs assigned her a babysitter. Annoyed that Nick was beautiful and sexy and every bit her bad boy high school crush, only this time he was a really great guy who just looked at her as his platonic friend/partner at best, and at worst an obligation. 

She thought she had been so annoyed, at everyone and then-

Then she saw the survivors spread out across her coffee table and her heart had broken. Then Nick held her like she was something precious, and he made all the hurt she felt, smaller. Then they ate on the floor of her kitchen out of take out boxes because he knew that would make her happy. 

After… everything it was remarkably easy to coexist with Nick. After lunch they spent the better part of the afternoon working. Ellie spent most of the day working on paper work, not quite ready to dive into her own case just yet. Nick didn’t say what he was working on, but every so often his phone call pacing would take him into the kitchen, and his voice would lower. 

McGee stopped by around seven with a bag of Nick’s stuff and some more take out (this time from her favorite Italian place), and the three of them ate dinner, at her kitchen table this time, and talked about anything and everything but work. 

After she walked McGee to the door, him promising to bring by the twins soon and sending Delilah's love, she found Nick washing the dishes. She almost asked him to stop (her mother’s voice in her head about being a ‘good host’ and all that), but instead she just stood next to him announcing: 

“I’ll dry.” 

Without a word he handed her a dish cloth (where he even found it was anyone’s guess), and they worked quietly in tandem.

It was just easy. 

At work they crashed together, banter and bickering, and it was good for the job. It made them work harder, made them prove there theories, kept them on their toes. Here, it was quiet, it was sure, it was-

Steady. 

(Nick, for all his bad boy bravado, undercover past, a history of trauma and regret, he was the steadiest part of her life). 

She didn’t know what to with that, though. It was a little too dangerous. 

Ellie decided it was easy because they were friends, because of their partnership. Of course she could work side by side with him; they had to work together in much less comfortable locals. 

Easy made sense, easy was good. 

More than that easy was to be expected. 

But it was so easy that she almost forgot that Nick wasn’t going home, that he needed somewhere to sleep. 

She had been reading, curled up at the base of the couch reading Sense and Sensibility (she could only do mindless paper work for so long before her mind turned to goo), and Nick was still working (to no one’s surprise). She looked at her phone and it was 10 PM. Not that he was an ‘early to bed, early to rise’ kind of guy, but she should probably stop keeping him hostage and let him get to bed if he wanted. 

“I’m going to go to bed,” Ellie said quickly, standing up, stretching her legs out that had been tucked underneath her, “Let me get you blankets and stuff for the couch-”

“I can manage B,” Nick said, amiably, “Just point to the linen closet.”

Ellie shrugged an okay, but grabbed a couple extra pillows just in case. 

She bid him a rather awkward goodnight (yes he had crashed on her couch, drunk, once before, but this felt more… formal), she retreated to her bedroom. Before she could even close the door, his focus was back to the case file in front of him. 

She had slipping into her most comfortable pajamas, talking a bit more melatonin than was recommended and spending another hour or reading, she just couldn’t fall asleep. 

And it wasn’t even because Nick was sleeping a wall away (although that wasn’t helping) 

Every time she closed her eyes she couldn’t stop the “what ifs”. What if Jack or Kasie had left her alone, even just for a minute? What if the bastard put a little more rohypnol in and it left her in a coma? What if some other woman was targeted, one without such dutiful friends? What if-

When she wasn’t having the “what ifs” trample over any chance of sleeping, she was thinking about what would happen when they found the guy (because there was no “what if” about that, not with all of NCIS looking, and how Gibbs was when he had a personal vendetta). 

Would he ever end up in a jail? Did she want him to?

Ellie sat up, groaning slightly as she looked at her phone. 

She had been trying to fall asleep for three hours to no avail. 

She knew that she was not going to fall asleep anytime soon. 

Usually if she couldn’t sleep she would go sit on her couch and channel surf until she found something with Katherine Heigl or Sandra Bullock on, maybe dig into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s while she was at it. 

But Nick was asleep, right this moment on said couch. She did have her laptop, though-

Ellie opened it up, and it was at 2 percent battery and the charger was in the kitchen.

Well, she could grab the charger, ice cream and a spoon, and pull up “While You Were Sleeping”. 

There were worse ways to spend a sleepless night. 

She just needed to sneak through her living room, as to not wake up Nick (she was 35 and about to sneak through her own apartment like a teenager; life was strange). She tossed off the covers, and slowly opened her bedroom door. 

To here surprise not only were all her living room lights on, but Nick was up, legal pad and computer out, clearly working and not fast asleep like she was expecting. In fact, besides wearing sweats and a different T-shirt, he looked exactly the same as when she went to bed hours before, still hard a work. So much so that he hadn’t noticed her frozen in the doorway. 

“Hey, Nick,” Ellie said, her arms crossed over her stomach, hoping her voice was light, casual, “What are you working on?”

(It was absolutely stupid that she wished she wasn’t in men’s flannel pajama pants and a tank top that had more than a few holes, but she did). 

“The case,” Nick said, not looking up, and taking a sip of water. When he did look up he almost spit out the water.

“Did I scare you or something?” She said trying to bite back a smile (she couldn’t wait to tell McGee that Nick had been spooked by something so minor). 

“Or something.” Nick said, half under his breath, before turning that thousand watt smile her way. “Can’t sleep B?”

She shrugged, still leaning against the doorway. 

“It’s nothing,” Her voice carefully nonchalant. 

Of course Nick was looking at her like he could see through all that bull shit. 

“B-” He said it like it was something (which of course, it was). 

“I can’t fall asleep,” She sighed, not quite meeting his eye as she joined him on the couch,“You can take my room if you want. I’ll just watch TV, maybe work. I’ll take a note out of your book.”

Nick looked confused, as he closed the case file, and then his glowing laptop. 

“You, know,” She prompted, “Not sleeping.” 

“That wasn’t a good thing, B,” His gaze was unforgiving (it wasn’t unkind, but it wasn’t the kind of look you could ignore). 

“Yah.” Ellie sighed, still avoiding his eyes, “Maybe not.”

“Why don’t we watch something,” Nick’s voice was lighter, closer to the voice he had when he teased her in the bullpen, “You always are saying my movie education is ‘woefully outdated’”

He said the last words with exaggerated air quotes, and a loose imitation of her voice and cadence. It made her giggle, despite herself. 

“Yah alright,” Ellie said like she was doing him some big favor, “But no complaining about what I pick.”

“Deal” Nick said, and she grinned a cheshire cat grin. 

She switched channels, pulling a blanket over her lap from the untouched pile from earlier, until she saw The Mummy, and it had only just started. 

“Perfect,” Ellie said, as she looked at Nick expectantly.

“What is this?” Nick was squinting at the screen, more then a bit bemused. 

“Woefully outdated is right,” Ellie said mimicking his imitation of her, “This right here is a modern day classic.”

“If you say so,” Nick said doubtfully, but he didn’t complain further and the movie played on. 

Right around when Evelyn takes the Book of the Dead, Ellie’s eyelids start to get heavy, and she snuggles a little bit more into the sofa cushions (if that meant she happened to be moving closer to Nick, that was purely coincidental.) 

As the movie played on, she closed her eyes for longer and longer, her breath evening out. The last thought she had before she finally fell asleep was that for the first time since she tried to go to bed not only was she free of ‘what if’s’ but her heart rate was steady. 

Nick made her feel…

Steady.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really, really, really appreciate comments and I would love to know what people think! We are only about half way through the story, and honestly it helps motivate me to keep writing!
> 
> Thanks :)


	8. morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick wakes up, and so does Ellie.

The first thing that Nick noticed was the light streaming through the living room windows and something warm pressed against his side. His back and head ached, and he was not sitting up or lying down, but was doing something in between. 

He opened his eyes and blurrily looked around, remembering all at once that this was the second night in a row not sleeping at his own apartment. The night before last he was at the hospital, and last night he was at Ellie’s-

The pressure on his side was Ellie. 

It was like they were a deck of cards being folded together; a jumble of arms crossed over legs, and Ellie’s head tucked in the spot where his neck met his shoulder. Her lips were parted, slightly, and her cheeks were pink just like when she would get embarrassed and deny it. Her hand was a solid fist on his chest and Nick realized with a start that his hand was on the bare skin of her hip where her tank top was riding up-

(When she walked out of her room, in that tank top, he was pretty sure he was being punished for all his past misdeeds; it was positively criminal how gorgeous she looked). 

It was too much, it was way too much. He had imagined, a thousand times he had imagined, waking up with Ellie and he didn’t know if he should be grateful that he got to experience it, once, or if she be wrecked that this was the closest he was ever going to get to being with the woman he loved-

It was too much; Ellie, without even trying, could always make him unsteady. 

She didn’t need this, to have another thing to worry about, to worry about letting him down easy, or maintaining boundaries that he couldn’t seem to stop himself from trampling all over, (his gut twisted, he couldn’t be another man who wanted more from her than she wanted to give). 

He didn’t want to move, he wanted to pull her closer, wanted to kiss the top of her head and fall back asleep, like it was a habit, like it was how he was going to wake up every day for the rest of his life. 

Nick pulled away, careful not to disturb Ellie too much. Ellie sighed, so quiet he almost didn’t notice it, and curled into the couch cushions a little more (he tried and failed not to notice that she was curling into the space he had just vacated). 

As he stood up, trying to stretch out the tension in his neck, and ignore the ache in his chest. Looking at her, curled up on her couch, it hit him yet again, that someone had tried to hurt her, in the worst way you could hurt someone.

He was having trouble believing in humanity, believing in anything but Ellie- 

Nick shook his head, as though he could shake away his tumbling, twisting thoughts. 

Coffee, Nick decided, when in doubt, when uncertain, coffee would help. 

After getting dressed, and quickly brushing his teeth, Nick grabbed his wallet, phone and Ellie’s keys (he didn’t want to leave her apartment door unlocked, even if he was only going to be gone for a few minutes). He went around the corner to the bagel shop he knew she liked, and by the time he got back to her place, a few minutes latter, Ellie was awake. 

She was sitting up, criss crossed legs, on her couch and she had a sleepy, confused, (and adorable), look on her face. 

“I fell asleep,” Ellie said, like she couldn’t quite believe her own words. His heart ached, of course she was surprised, she had been a jumble of raw nerves last night. After the trauma she endured, the violation, the hospital stay- 

How could you just fall asleep?

(She fell asleep when he was close, last night and at the hospital, but he pushed that thought clear away; this wasn't about him, he wouldn't make this about him)>

“Yah,” Nick shrugged trying to keep his voice light, and unaffected as he leaned against the door frame, coffee and bagels in hand. 

“Huh,” Ellie said, stretching her arms absentmindedly above her heads (he could see the strip on her stomach he had held only this morning, and god, it was so hard not to notice her). 

“Good ‘huh,” Nick asked, walking over, placing breakfast on the coffee table in front of her, “Or band ‘huh’.” 

“Good.” Ellie said quickly, but she didn’t quite meet his eyes as she continued, “Did you take my room?”

“No,” Nick said, not sure if that was the answer she wanted or not (did she know how intimately they were entwined, last night? Would she care?) 

“Oh.” Ellie said, her eyebrows scrunched together, looking at him, and then at the couch and then back again. She was opening her mouth, probably to ask questions he wasn’t ready to answer, when he quickly changed the subject: 

“I brought coffee,” Nick gestured at the table, before running his hand through his hair. 

“Really?” She looked so hopeful he had to suppress a grin. 

“Well,” Nick teased, “Wait until you see that I brought bagels.” 

“You,” Ellie said, completely seriously, as she grabbed the coffee cup closest to her and took a big sip, “Are officially my new favorite person.”

He tried to suppress the warm thing that bloomed in his chest. 

(He failed; Ellie Bishop had a talent for making him unsteady).


	9. family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie calls her parents.

Ellie didn’t lie to her family. 

Okay, sometimes she didn’t tell the whole truth, especially with the hard stuff; it took her forever to tell them the whole story with both Qasim and Jake- 

But she did always end up telling them, which was more than a lot of people she knew who wouldn’t tell their parents and siblings anything important that happened in their lives. 

She knew that she was a grown woman, it wasn’t like she owed them information, but they were her family and they loved her and-

She would want to know, if the roles were reversed. 

Even when she was in the hospital she knew that she should call and tell her parents and brothers what had happened, sooner rather than later. She just wasn’t able to bring herself to do it yesterday. 

Nick had been so amazing, giving her space while still being that constant, steady presence. He had offered to go for a walk so that she could have some privacy, so she could call, but she just shook her head and smiled (he gave her a sad sort of one back).

Yesterday, her head had still been spinning and she knew she needed to get a handle on everything before telling her family (if she started crying when she told them, her parents would demand that she come home, and everything was so fucked up she wasn’t sure if she would be able to say no.) 

So she waited, but now it was almost 48 hours after... Everything. She had felt so guilty, she bit the bullet and just called home. 

She regretted that, within the first five minutes of her call. 

“I’m fine,” Ellie said, tension coiling deeper between her shoulder blades (Nick said it was a tell of hers, he always seemed to know when she was storing stress there). It didn’t matter how many times she said “I’m fine”, no one believed her; she said it so many times it didn’t sound like the words of any language she spoke. Her parents would simply not believe that she was okay, she kept telling them over and over-

She wasn’t going to cry, thank God, but she was pretty close to screaming.

She was just thanking her lucky stars that it was just her parents on Facetime right now, (if her brothers were here too-) when she spotted Nick, leaning against the door frame of the living room, looking amused. 

Asshole. 

(A handsome asshole, but an asshole none the less). 

She slept last night, and it wasn’t in ragged parts, like she was used to even when she was patching up some recent trauma in her head and heart. She slept soundly, even though she was on her couch, that had a lot less room than Gibbs’s and Nick was right there-

(She knew, deep down, she knew that it wasn’t a coincident; he had to be the reason why.)

But, Ellie reasoned, Nick probably slept on the floor, or didn’t sleep at all, she woke up alone after all-

(He got her coffee the way she liked it and she shouldn’t swoon over something so little, and she hated that she basked in even those small moments of care). 

“Ellie, what’s going on?” Her mother’s voice was rising slightly, and she would have rolled her eyes if she didn’t feel guilty over how panicked her voice was. 

“What are you looking at?” Her dad said, and that she did roll her eyes at. 

“I’m fine,” Ellie repeated, and then she threw Nick a pointed look, and through gritted teeth said, “Come over and tell them I’m fine.”

“Tell who-” Nick said, confused, standing up straighter like he was ready to make a run for it (probably a sign of good instincts, Ellie noted ryely.) 

“My Mom, and Dad-” Ellie started, ignoring her parents murmuring to each other (she is pretty sure she heard the word ‘boyfriend’ tossed around). 

“Bishop-” Nick was definitely backing out of the room now. 

“Get over here and don’t be a wuss-” Ellie said, and something crossed his face as she said that, that she could not read, but if it was possible for Nick Torres to blush, she could swear he was blushing. 

Weird.

“Just,” Ellie continued, trying to catch Nick’s eyes, that were now looking at the floor pointedly, but at least he was making a run for it (yet), “Please.”

He mouthed ‘you owe me,’ but he dutifully crossed the room, deposited himself next to Ellie.

“Hello,” Nick said, with a charming smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes, “Mr. and Mrs. Bishop-”

“Please call me Barbara,” Her mom said, just as her dad said, “Mr. Bishop is fine, son.”

“Dad,” Ellie said sharply, but he looked anything but mollified. 

“Nick, right?” Her mom leaned closer to the screen here eyes narrowed like she was inspecting him, “This is your partner, dear?” 

“Yes,” Ellie nodded, trying to wrack her brain for everything she had told them about Nick (she hoped they liked him, and that hope ran deeper than she was comfortable with), “And he’s staying with me while everything-”

“I didn’t realize you two were dating-” Her mom interrupted. 

“We’re not,” Ellie and Nick said at the same time, and her parents raised their eyebrows in response. 

She blushed, and felt the heat spread down her neck. 

“I see,” Her mom said, looking back and forth at the two of them, “So Nick is here as your-”

The unasked question hung in the air, and Ellie tried to find somewhere safe to look, and was unsuccessful. 

“Protective detail,” Nick said ending the awkward silence and her dad looked pleased (she honestly hadn’t rolled her eyes at her parents this much since she was sixteen). 

“See,” Ellie said, her voice firm, “I am not lying, I really am-”

“Fine,” Her mom supplied, but it was now her voice was sharp, “As you have said.”

“Well I’ll keep saying it until you believe it-” She was trying to keep her voice calm but was hopelessly failing. 

Her parents were sharing a look now, the kind were they were talking without words (the kind of look you developed after 40 years of marriage). 

“Let us talk to Nick, alone, for a little bit, dear,” Her Mom said, with a tight smile,

“Mom,” Ellie’s voice was only rising, “Why do you want to talk with just Nick. You want interrogate my partner, he wasn’t even there when I almost got-”

She stopped abruptly, and she fought the tears that threatened to fall. She could feel the three sets of eyes on her, studying her intently. 

(She wasn’t going to cry, she wasn’t going to cry, she wasn’t-)

“Ellie,” Nick said, his voice low and she could feel it low in her stomach (it wasn’t fair, that she was reacting to him now, of all moments), “It’s fine.”

“Fine,” Ellie said sharply, not sure who she was angry at, but knowing that she was fucking pissed. 

She grabbed the bagels, and her coffee. 

“I’m taking these with me,” She could tell that Nick was trying not to laugh at her, and it shouldn’t have been charming, but it kind of was. 

That just made her angrier, and she already wasn’t pleased. 

She stewed in the kitchen, eating her beagle in a couple of giant bites, and downing the coffee just a quickly, rehearsing what she was going to say when they deigned to have her return. 

(The nerve of them, of Nick agreeing to it-) 

It didn’t take long though, maybe five minutes, before Nick was hovering by the doorway, hands in his back pocket.

“They want to talk to you,” He said simply, and she tried to glare at him, she really did, but she didn’t have the heart. 

She touched his elbow, as she passed him, and murmured thank you. She didn’t wait for his reply, and sat in front of her computer. 

“Now honey,” Her mom said, her voice watery, “We expect you to come home-”

Ellie’s heart dropped in her chest.

“At Christmas,” Her mom said, and then she stopped and started again, “It’s been too long since we have seen you.”

“Yah,” Ellie nodded, thoroughly confused and concerned at her steadfast mothers unshed tears, “Of course-”

“Just,” Her mom said with a wavering smile, “Let us know if you need anything.”

“Okay…” Ellie was waiting for the ‘but’.

“We love you,” Her dad’s voice broke, and she broke a little bit too, “So much.”

“I love you too,” She didn’t even try to stop the tears. 

“Nick’s a good egg,” Her mom said, “We know you can take care of yourself, but it’s good to have someone.”

She tried to correct her, tried to say they were just friends and that it wasn’t that deep, and all that. 

She just nodded and let the tears fall, and pretended that she didn’t see Nick watching her from the doorway. 

(Almost like he was her’s, like he was looking at her like that because she was his).


	10. day and night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of talking with Ellie's parents and a proposition

Ellie was staring at Nick, and she wasn’t even being sneaky about it. 

They were both on her couch, he was working and Ellie was… well she was working, but now she was staring. Not staring like he did, trying to soak her up with a gaze, hoping no one noticed or read into it. She was looking at him like he was a crime scene, or a suspect behind the two way mirror; she was looking at him like women looked at him at bars, she was looking at him like an analyst, like an agent.

“Bishop,” Nick said, not looking up from his computer, “If you have a question just ask.”

He glanced over at her, and she looked a bit embarrassed, but not enough to deny anything. She just shrugged, her cheeks a tinge pinker (beautiful, like always, beautiful). She was in dark leggings, they were probably black once but they had faded to a deep grey. Her hair was pulled out of her face, but coming undone just a little. She was going to be the death of him. 

“What did you say to them?” Ellie bit her lip, and he tried not to stare, “To my parents I mean.” 

“That I have your back,” He said simply, with a shrug of his own. It was the truth, and that was good because she was way to good a reading him to try to lie. 

If that wasn’t all he said to Mr. and Mrs. Bishop that was his business. 

“And that worked?” Her disbelief colored her voice, and she sounded younger and for a moment he could picture her at eighteen going to Prom, and moving in to her dorm Freshman year-

He wished he could have seen her then. 

(He wished he had more time with her, especially because eventually she was going to push him out of her life; she wasn’t the kind of girl he got to keep in his life). 

“Yah, B,” Nick said, hoping that would be enough for her, “That worked.”

“You must have been,” She pressed, “Pretty convincing.” 

Of course she wasn’t going to drop it, because she was way too good at her job to abandon a lead when it was going somewhere. 

“Well you know me Bishop,” He closed his computer, shooting her his most charming smile, (he hoped she didn’t see that it didn’t meet his eyes), “Parents love me.”

Ellie let out a breathless laugh, almost like it caught her by surprise.

She only laughed like that when she was anxious, or so focused on something else, that a joke almost knocked the wind out of her; it was one of his favorites, and she only laughed like that for him. 

He knew all her laughs, all her smiles and catalogued them, trying to read her better, trying to make her happy whenever she was even the slightest bit upset-

He would do anything to make her laugh, to make her smile, to make sure she was okay. 

Her parents only saw them for a few minutes and they knew, they must have known, that he would do anything for her. They told him as much. 

“You’re in love with her,” Barbara had said, her head cocked to the side, and in that moment she looked so much like Ellie, this women who was putting all the pieces together, “Aren't you Nick?”

He hadn’t answered her, for a long moment, the kind of moment that dragged on.

“That’s okay dear,” She looked at him, almost pityingly, but not quite, “You don’t have to-”

“I’ll do anything,” He interrupted, not able to stop the words that came tumbling out, “To keep her safe.”

“We know, Nick,” It was Mr. Bishop’s turn to talk, and he wasn’t smiling, but his voice was kind, “We know.”

Ellie wasn’t going to drop this, he knew her and he knew that. He couldn’t lie to her (he never lied to her, even if he kept so much of his feeling for her, to himself), and he couldn’t say the truth without blowing everything up. 

She didn’t need that. 

He broke the silence dragging out long, and jagged between them. 

“You said, at the hospital,” Nick started and then stopped again, trying to find the right words. 

“Yes?” Ellie prompted, and he almost cracked a smile at that. 

Give that woman an inch-

“That you would do something stupid, for me,” Nick pressed on, not quite meeting her eyes, “Your parents know, I mean they could tell-”

“Could tell,” Ellie repeated, and he could see the mechanics of her brain churning. He hoped, just this once, that she wouldn’t reach that final conclusion, and see right through him, “You would do something…”

“Stupid,” He supplied, his voice carefully nonchalant, “Yah.” 

“Okay,” And with that Ellie looked not quite pleased, but relieved. That look flickered across her face for a moment, before her gaze focused on her work once more. 

“‘Okay,’ okay,” Nick couldn’t stop himself from asking, “Or ‘okay’ freaking out.”

“Actually okay,” Ellie gave him a half smile, one that met her eyes, “I just wanted to know.”

“Okay.” Nick murmured, looking back at his computer, sure that Ellie wasn’t looking at him. 

“Okay,” She whispered, so soft he almost didn’t believe he heard it, but when he looked over she was smiling. 

It was a soft smile, almost sweet. 

With a pang he realized, he had never seen her smile like that at anyone.

Only him. 

Then she was looking at her work again, and Nick let out a ragged breath that he didn’t realize he had been holding. 

They fell into a quickly made routine. They worked, they ordered take out for lunch, and this time it was Jack who stopped by with dinner, sushi this time. After dinner he did the dishes, and without asking or telling him that he was a guest, Ellie just started drying the dishes, there shoulders close enough to touch. 

Around 10, same as the night before, Ellie made her exit, slipping into her room with a quiet ‘goodnight’. 

He was gearing up for another night on the couch, this time actually making it up, instead of just passing out mid-movie, when Ellie appeared in her doorway, this time in a ragged long sleeved Oklahoma State shirt and pajama shorts that showed of what seemed like miles of bare legs. 

That would have completely distracted him, so much skin exposed, looking slightly rumpled, leading his mind down some wonderful and dangerous what ifs. But it didn’t not really, because he almost immediately noticed the red around her eyes, the way she had pulled down the hem of her sleeves, and balled them up in her fists. 

Ellie was upset. 

“Ellie-” Nick started, but she was already waving him off, with a hand still grasped tight around the sleeve of her shirt.

“You’re going to bed,” Ellie said with a plastered on smile and warbling voice, “I was going to ask. Never mind, I’ll just get water. Water is good, water is-”

“Ellie,” Nick was on his feet now, “Just talk to me. Please.”

Any pretence shattered, and tears started streaming down Ellie’s face. 

“I can’t sleep,” Ellie said, her voice barely above a whisper, “I just can’t sleep. I can’t shut off my brain and I don’t feel safe, which is ridiculous because your a wall away and I’m a fucking federal agent with a gun and-”

“What do you need-” Nick didn’t usually like cutting off Ellie, didn’t like hindering that beautiful brain from making leaps and bounds he could not even imagine. This time he just wanted her spirals to stop, so she wouldn’t have that defeated look on her face. 

“I slept when you were with me.”

That just about knocked him over, and it took him what felt like hours, but was probably only a few heart punding seconds to try to respond. 

“I-”

“Could you stay with me, just this once?” Ellie said, her words at such a rapid pace, that the words started blending together “After all this couch is really uncomfortable, and if your going to be staying multiple nights you need to get some sleep too and-”

“Ellie,” Nick said her name because he didn’t know what else to say, but she must of taken it as a reproach, because her face immediately darkened. 

“Just I don’t think I can fall asleep by myself,” Her voice was smaller than he had ever heard it, “It’s pathetic-”

“Don’t say that.”

His words came out sharper than he intended, but she didn’t seem to mind. Instead of looking small of defeated, a different expression crossed her face. 

She looked… Determined. 

“We are adults,” Ellie stuck her chin out, “Right? We have fallen asleep on the couch, a few times-”

Twice. Once at Gibbs, with a baby between them and once last night which had caused an him to have a full blown existential crisis. But who was counting?

“This is that,” she continued, brushing her hair behind her ear, her cheeks and ears tinged pink, “But with a bed.” 

Nick was going to be reciting a lot of soccer stats. 

“Right,” Nick said, shifting from one foot to the other. “I will stay on my side.”

“I’ll stay on mine.” Ellie paused and then said, “I snore.”

At that, Nick smiled, and he had to suppress a laugh that bubbled up from somewhere in his chest. 

“I know.” 

“Okay,” Ellie nodded. 

Nick took a shaky breath. 

“Okay.”


	11. daylight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie wakes up and has some reckoning to do.

Warm. 

Ellie felt warm. 

She shut her eye’s even tighter, not wanting to wake up, not yet. She could blame it on being drowsy, that wonderful warm fog weighing down her limbs, but it was more than that. She had a lovely clarity that was deep in her bones, a clarity that she was safe, maybe even loved. Almost better than that, Ellie knew that she had slept through the night, the first time she had since… Well, everything. 

Dreamless, sleep. Miraculously, dreamless sleep. Actually unbelievable sleep, like she could hardly believe it, and on some level she didn’t believe it. 

How come she hadn’t had nightmares yet? That night in the hospital she had so many nightmares, violent nightmares. Vivid, and ugly, the kind of nightmare that had you waking up gasping.

That thought woke her up. 

She opened her eyes, and quickly understood why she had managed to keep the nightmares at bay, or rather, who had kept the nightmares from overtaking her. 

Ellie was completely wrapped around Nick. Her legs were tangled in his, and her head was heavy on his chest, her arm curling around his ribs. She felt like a starfish clinging to the rocks, and there was no way that Nick didn’t notice-

Only he was fast asleep, and he was doing his own bit of clinging; both of his arms were circling her, one hand had a fist in her sleep shirt, and it was lifted slightly so that the other was holding the bare skin of her hip. A few inches lower and it would be decidedly intimate in a way that brought color to her cheeks, and warmth low in her stomach. 

She couldn’t breathe, she absolutely could not breath. 

Wasn’t this what she always dreamed of, in that hazy time between sleeping and waking? Dreams of feeling this way, feeling loved, feeling cared for. Dreams where Nick held her tight to him like he wasn’t ever going to let her go-

But he wasn’t doing that, and it was like someone dumped a bucket of ice water over her head. Ellie had half begged him to sleep in her bed, and he had. He hadn’t reached out to hold her, she remembered falling asleep, each decidedly on their side of the bed, a respectful space in the middle. Ellie must have reached for him, in those first moments of restless sleep; she was half on top of him for god’s sake. God, if he knew about this, how pathetic and needy she was, he would never respect her again. 

Ellie sat up, ignoring how cold she felt (it was like Nick was a furnace), and she blamed that feeling on the emptiness deep in her chest. 

She grabbed a change of clothes and quickly changed in the bathroom, tying her hair out of her face. By the time Nick wandered into the living room a few minutes later she was already deep in an analytics framework she had been meaning to test for months. 

“Goodmorning B” Nick said, as he passed by, his voice casual like they hadn’t spent the night together in the same bed. She supposed it was only fair, he didn’t know the full extent of what had transpired, of what she did-

Ellie felt heat rise in her cheeks, and she looked away again. 

“Morning,” Ellie said quickly, and when she ventured a glance at Nick a few moments later he was regarding her, like he was trying to solve a puzzle but he was close to cracking it-

Ellie had never been more relieved to hear a knock at the door; she jumped to her feet and crossed the room quickly to answer it. 

“Gibbs,” Ellie said, “What are you doing here?” 

“I brought breakfast,” Gibbs said, as he raised the bag, in that way that wasn’t meant to make you feel stupid, but always made Ellie feel stupid, none the less. 

He had to know, in that Gibbs way he always did, right? That Nick hadn’t slept on the couch, that Ellie was falling deeper and deeper and breaking the rules in the process, and maybe most terrifyingly of all that she was not quite ready to go back to work (she didn’t know who she was if she wasn’t working).

“Thanks,” Ellie squeaked, and then winced at her own voice. 

They sat around her kitchen table, and unlike Jack and McGee who skirted around work and the case, Gibb’s laid it all out. She could feel her adrenalin spike as he described the survivors and the clues, and the integrations at the club. Nick kept shooting her worried looks, and barely concealed glares at Gibbs. He obviously knew how this was affecting her, that she wasn’t okay yet. Irrational anger bubbled up; how dare Nick make her rely on him, for everything, and then pity her for it? She wasn’t some victim, she was Ellie freaking Bishop, and she might have a hard time hearing all the gory details, or sleeping alone, but she was still an agent, still his partner. 

How dare he think any differently. 

“When can I go back?” Ellie asked. 

“Bishop,” Gibbs said, almost like it was a question. 

“Ellie,” Nick looked a little stricken, “I mean Bishop, do you think-”

“I think I know myself better than you do.” 

“Your paid leave is scheduled through Friday,” Gibbs said, even and sure, and it grounded her more than she would care to admit, “You can come in and do some work Wednesday.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea-” Nick started but Ellie was already nodding. 

It was already Tuesday. One more night and she would be at work. A few sixteen hour days and she would begin falling asleep because of exhaustion. Admittedly not the healthiest plan, but more sustainable then draggin Nick into her bed every night-

“Nick should go into work today, then,” Ellie said, plastering an artificial smile on her face, “I’ll be fine, and then I will be at work tomorrow, so-”

“Not a chance, Bishop,” A dark look crossed Nick’s face, and Ellie shut her mouth; she shot him an annoyed look, but didn’t say anything else. 

Gibbs looked at Nick and then Ellie, then took a long sip of his coffee, and nobody spoke for a few minutes, which felt like hours. Gibbs didn’t stay for much longer. Nick excused himself first, mumbling something about contacts and a call he needed to make. Ellie walked Gibbs to the door, nodding along as he told her to take care of herself like only he could, half order and half instruction manual. Before he left he pressed a kiss to her forehead and said quietly, so quietly Ellie hardly heard it. 

“It’s okay to need someone. It’s not a weakness.”

Gibbs left and Ellie stood in the door for a long moment and tried to believe him. 

It didn’t work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi y'all! Thanks for the comments asking for me to update this fic! I have a good portion of this fic written, so hopefully I won't have as large a gap in posting updates. Please keep the kudos and comments coming! They honestly make my day :) 
> 
> <3 IzzieBee


	12. dance

Ellie was avoiding him, and Nick knew it was his fault and he hated it. Anyone else and he would be able to deal with it with a modicum of grace, maybe brush it all off with a joke, or some other form of misdirection he was usually so good at.

Ellie wanted to go back to work, of course she did; he wouldn’t have lasted half as long at home as she had without making a run for it. After he thundered away at breakfast, he kept meaning to back track, to apologize, but Ellie kept slipping further and further away. It was almost impressive considering they were in a one bedroom apartment. Even that he might have been able to manage, but their time together had an end date now, and it filled Nick with an almost existential level of dread. 

It was like he got a taste of some drug, and he was trying to buck himself up for the inevitable withdrawal. Just getting to eat take out with her on her kitchen floor, wash dishes side by side, make jokes about movies playing on TV had been overwhelming. The quiet domestic moments that had always made him feel caged with another girlfriend; with her he just felt steady. Like, if he did this every day for the rest of his life he would be content. 

And that was before Nick had held her in his arms, feeling her breathing even out against his collarbone, her body pressed against his. Before he could feel her warm and alive under his hands, and he had never felt like that before, that his future, his everything, was so surely wrapped up with another person. 

He knew the night before hadn’t been about him, God, he knew that. She had looked so tired, so worried, (so beautiful, always so beautiful), he couldn’t say no, even though the prospect scared the hell out of him. Falling asleep haphazardly on a couch was one thing, but sleeping in the same bed? The idea of waking up with Ellie like that, even in the most PG rated circumstances, had threatened to short wire his brain. 

And they climbed into bed together, like it was normal as anything, each on their side of the bed, respectfully apart, and Ellie had fallen sound asleep in minutes. 

But she didn’t stay like that. 

She had been tossing and turning, half asleep and terrified and murmuring about spiked drinks and bruises, and other blood chilling details and he realized that she must have read through the more of the victim files than he had thought. He wanted to rip this guy apart, limb by limb, and that anger coursing through his veins should have scared him but it just made him more certain, nobody should ever feel how she was now. 

It was like his heart was outside his chest, and he would never be whole again if something happened to her. 

Nick knew then that he was in love with her. Not half in love, or horribly enamored (although he was both of those things). No, he was completely, head over heels, stupid in love with Ellie Bishop. It didn’t matter if he loved him back, or ran off with one of her many admirors a week later. He loved her, and instead of rocking his world it was comforting. He would always love her; there was no use fighting it, no use worrying about it. All that mattered was Ellie, and she was hurt, and he could do something about it. 

He didn’t even think, he just pulled her to his chest, and her sobs stilled, her shaking dimmed. He murmured soft words, and prayers into her hair in Spanish. It really wasn’t fair, how much she affected him; Nick curled a little deeper into his chest when he played with her hair, and he would have done anything for anything. 

He fell asleep, and he was swimming in thoughts of her. Nick was wrapped around Ellie’s little finger and she didn’t even know it.

Then, he woke up alone and she wanted to go back to work and he would still do anything she wanted, even if it tore him apart. 

It took him longer than he was expecting to find Ellie. She was curled up next to the refrigerator, case files spread in front of her, and he could have swore she was reading more than one document at once. 

“Ellie,” Nick started, “Listen, I-” 

“I think it will help,” Ellie didn’t look up from her work, “Being at work. Getting back to normal. I want things to be normal.”

“B?” 

“Are you mad at me?” Ellie asked, her voice small, “For wanting to go back to work?”

If he didn’t already feel like a piece of shit, he sure did now. 

“No,” Nick said, and Ellie finally looked up at him, “Of course not.”

“You haven’t looked at me all day.”

“You haven’t either.”

“Oh,” Ellie scrunched up her eyebrows. 

“We’ve had fun together, right,” Nick said, running a hand through his hair, “These last few days? It wasn’t completely awful to be stuck with me-”

“Of course we have Nick.” Ellie smiled wistfully, “I just, I need to get back to real life. I need to face what happened to me, or I never will.”

She had a smile that was just for him, right? That hadn’t been completely in his head, right? Now she just looked like she had accepted a bad deal and was dealing with the consequences

“Yah,” Nick nodded “I understand. If you change your mind-”

“I won’t,” She wouldn’t, when Ellie made a decision she didn’t waiver, “We have one more day though.”

“Yah,” Nick said quickly, “One more day.” 

It wasn’t like he was counting down the hours or anything. 

“So we are good?” Nick put his hand out, and Ellie took it standing up, leaving the fanned out files between them. 

“Yes B,” Nick said, forcing himself to drop her hand, “We are good.” 

Ellie smiled, and it was that just for him smile that never failed to crack him open. 

“I like this song,” Ellie nodded over to the radio, he hadn’t noticed it was on. It was tuned to a Spanish pop station, and he didn’t recognize the song, but it had a good beat, every other line dripping with innuendo, exactly like he liked it. 

“It’s good,” Nick said, but before he could finish, he could see her move her shoulders just a little bit, like she wanted to dance, but not fully committing. He was brought back to years before, trying to make her laugh by dancing on the other side of the bullpen, over to her. 

“No, no, no,” He said waving his hands emphatically, “If we are going to dance, we are going to dance.”

“What-” 

He didn’t think (if he did he wouldn’t have done what he did next.) He grabbed her hands, sidestepping the documents below them, dragging her to the center of the kitchen. 

“Like this.” For once, she let him lead, and the song was fast enough he could get lost in it, stepping closer than away, never slowing down enough to think about it. 

(He could spin her around the tiled floor forever)

“I told you,” Nick said, before spinning her once, then twice, trying to make her laugh, “I’d take you dancing.”

“I didn’t think you meant in my kitchen,” But she let out a breathless giggle, and her realized his hand on the small of her back was right where he rested it the night before, and she was looking up at him, and she had a look in her eye’s he didn’t recognize. 

There was a knock at the door, and he wasn’t sure who stepped away first, but now there was a space between them that seemed so much larger than before. 

“Are we expecting someone?” Ellie asked, her eyes scrunched together in confusion and he tried to ignore the pang at the word ‘we’. 

(Literally, any other version of Nick would have kicked the living shit out of him right now; it was an unreasonable level of whipped, especially considering it was completely one sided). 

“Maybe McGee-”

“With the twins,” Ellies whole face brightened at that, and it almost made him wish he was right. 

(He loved when she was that happy, don’t get him wrong, but he wasn’t sure he could handle her holding a baby right now; he was pretty sure he would end up proposing on the spot). 

“I’ll get the door,” Nick said firmly. 

“You don’t have to-”

“It’s literally why I’m here.”

“Oh,” Ellie looked a bit sheepish, “Right.” 

Nick opened the door, his hand on his service weapon. 

Jake Malloy was standing in the doorway, wrinkled dress shirt like he made his way here in a hurry, with a wild expression. 

Nick recognizes him from his picture. When he had found out Ellie was divorced he had such a morbid curiosity. They had only worked together for a few months, but he honestly couldn’t believe it. If she was married that would have been one thing, who wouldn’t want to marry her? But divorced, cheated on, what kind of asshole would do that. 

This kind of asshole, that’s who. 

Nick looked at Jake with distaste, and didn’t move from his spot in the doorway. 

“Who are you?” Jake said it was a threat, which was laughable honestly. 

“I don’t know if that’s any of your business.” 

Jake was ignoring him now, and instead had fixed his eyes on Ellie, who he must have been a few feet behind him. He was staring at her like she hung the moon and the stars. 

“Ellie,” Jake was smiling at her like he had the right to do that. Like he had the right to even to look at her. 

Nick stepped back, slightly, still standing in front of Ellie, but enough that she could see him if she wanted to. 

“Jake,” Ellie’s voice was wary, and she kept looking between Jake and Nick like she was expecting trouble (she wasn’t wrong), “What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean,” Jake said, “I found out what happened and I had to-”

“Do more damage than you already have done?” Nick’s voice had a dangerous tenor to it, and he wanted to smirk at Jakes expression. 

“Nick,” Ellie closed her eyes, “Please-”

“You don’t know what the hell your talking about-” Jake puffed up. 

“Can you please,” Ellie said, her hand on Nick’s elbow, “Just give us a minute.”

It was Nick’s turn to look between Ellie and Jake. He wasn’t Gibbs, but his gut didn’t let him down often. She didn’t look at Jake with anything besides a warry kind of sadness, but Jake looked hopeful. That was a dangerous combination. 

This Jake looked like the kind of asshole who would push a maybe into a yes, which was the exact last thing Ellie needed right now. 

“Do you want him here?” 

Ellie looked at her feet, avoiding both sets of eyes. 

“No,” Ellie said, turning towards Nick, her voice low enough he doubted Jake could hear, “But I know him. He won’t leave unless-”

“He’ll leave if I-” Nick threw a dark look at Jake, who took an immediate step back into the hallway. 

Good. 

“I really don’t want you to be arrested,” Ellie looked at him pointedly, her hand now tighter on his arm, “Go to the corner store, walk around the block. Something..”

There was pleading in her voice now, and he hated everything about this. 

“Ellie-”

“He’ll be gone in 10 minutes,” Ellie looked at Jake, and let out a shaky breath, “If he’s not you can make him go, okay?”

Nick didn’t say anything for a moment. 

“Call me if you need anything.”

“Thanks Nick,” said Ellie, her smile didn’t meet her eyes. 

Nick hated what he did next; he walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone! Three more chapters! Here we go. (God Jake, is the worst) 
> 
> Me Gusta, Natti Natasha was the song btw ;)


	13. and yours is like the flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we did it kids :) let me know what you think

Ellie watched Nick walk down the hall and turn the corner, her eyes not flickering away until he disappeared from sight. She tried to suppress a twinge in her chest. She knew It was completely irrational, she was the one who sent him away after all.

The way Nick was looking at Jake, she had to she just had to.

She knew that if he didn’t leave he would have sent her ex-husband to the hospital. It wasn’t that the thought wasn’t appealing, but Jake would press charges and suddenly this man would have wormed his way back into her life. She made the right decision, she knew that, but now she was standing in the doorway with her ex-husband, and she was wearing holey leggings and an Oklahoma sweatshirt and she hated that she felt self conscious. 

Jake used to make little comments, looking back she knew they were meant to make her feel smaller, more dependent on him for her self esteem. He would talk about how she dressed, or how she didn’t put an effort in, especially after she moved to NCIS. 

(She hadn’t felt self concious with Nick when she wore PJs and sweats for the last week; something about how he looked at her when she was wearing anything not appropriate for the office or a nightclub, almost soft, smoothed away the worry and just left her feeling warm in the pit of her stomach). 

She hated that Jake still had any power over her. Ellie crossed her arms over her chest like she could protect herself from his insistent gaze. When he looked at her, it used to make her feel like she was the only girl in the room. Now she just felt like she was being inspected. 

“Are you dating that guy?” Jake’s voice was even, but she knew him, or used to know him. Acquisition laced every word, and it took everything Ellie had not to roll her eyes. 

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.” 

So that’s what the inspection was about. For a man who had an affair, he was always so suspicious of the men in her life: DiNozzo, Palmer, McGee, hell even Gibbs. He never straight out accused, but there were little insinuations that she was at the office for more than work. 

“So that’s a yes.” 

Ellie rolled her eyes. 

So typical, he rode in here on his white horse, ready to save the day, but that hadn’t lasted very long. 

“I was drugged and almost raped,” Ellie’s said dully, but she also knew how to sow venom into every word, “And that is what you are worried about?”

She didn’t realize there were tears streaming down her face until she noticed Jake’s stricken face. She had only said those words a handful of times since it had happened, and when she had she had always had Jack, Gibbs, or Nick near by, steadying her just with their presence. Now she just felt alone, vulnerable; this man was a stranger and he expected her to lay out her traumas at his feet. 

“Ellie,”Jake said it like he had every right to sound soft, to look at her with big sad eyes. Her stomach twisted in uncomfortable knots. For a second she was 25-years-old again and her boyfriend was at her door with flowers, telling her he didn’t mean what he said, and promising her forever. She had loved him once, she really had. 

But she wasn’t 25 anymore. Maybe he wasn’t a stranger, but she sure as hell didn’t love him now.

“We haven’t been married for years,” Ellie turned away, walking deeper into her apartment like Jake wouldn’t follow (of course he did, he never could leave well enough again), “Years. We haven’t talked since, what that case we had that partnered with the NSA a year ago, and that was over the phone for five minutes -”

“Ellie.”

“You're wearing a wedding ring,” Ellie said and she surprised herself that she felt nothing. If she felt anything it was a quiet, melancholy regret, not for the end of her marriage, but for the fact it didn’t end sooner. 

“Taylor and I-”He looked chagrined as he said it. His hands in his pockets and it was like a phantom pain of a memory; he always did that when she was mad at him. Did he do that with Taylor, too? She had an image of her, tall and glowing with her hand on her stomach with a delicate baby bump. She should have been jealous or saddened or something. She continued to feel nothing. 

(Jake promised her a big family, and then had pushed it off, over and over again. In an odd out of body moment she almost pitied Taylor; Jake couldn’t have changed his M.O. that much). 

“Yah,” Ellie interrupted, her hand up, not needing to hear anymore, “I don’t really need to know.” 

“Sorry,” Jake winced, and Ellie realized with a thud he hadn’t looked at her in the eye since she said the word “raped”. She couldn’t believe the weakness of this man she had once considered her family. She must have had blinders on then, to respect a man who couldn’t look her in the eyes the momednt she challenged him, the moment that she went off the script he had wrote in his head on the drive over. 

Thoughts of Nick swam into her head, and she knew the comparisons weren’t fair, hell, Nick wasn’t her husband, he wasn’t even her boyfriend, he probably didn’t even look at her as anything but a partner. 

Still the difference between the two men who had almost came to blows in her doorway, flooded her brain, and once she started she couldn’t stop. 

Jake’s voice rising to a breaking point over another late night at the office, and Nick’s quiet concern, and a furrowed brow, as he said, “The case can wait, please, get some sleep”. Nick throwing packages of crisps on her desk with a smirk, and Jake wondering aloud, and loudly, why the hell there wasn’t any ‘real food’ in the fridge (like he couldn’t go to the store, too). Jake refusing to hold her niece like the baby was going to self destruct, and Nick holding baby Cody absentmindedly whild doing paperwork, the baby trying to grab onto his hair. Jake telling her about the afair, and Nick- 

He might not feel the same way about her, but she knew he would never break her heart like that, by crushing it in his hands and then blaming her for the fact it had been so fragile.

(Wouldn’t it be worth it, though, the possibility of Nick breaking her her heart, to get a taste of what it was like, being together?) 

Everything was suddenly, and startlingly clear. Nick would never stand here, avoiding her gaze. He would make it right, over and over again, because that was the kind of man he was. Nick was the one who built her up, the one who took care of her when she swore she was fine. Nick was her partner. He was her family. 

Ellie was in love with Nick. Nick was her family, and Jake, well he needed to get the hell out. 

“I don’t want to see you again,” Ellie said, her voice calm and collected, almost professional; She tilted her chin up at him and Gibbs would have been proud of her hard stare, “I wish you and Taylor nothing but the best, but I don’t know you any more. I don’t want to know you.”

“I’m,” Jake started then stopped, before starting again. He still didn’t meet her eyes, “I’m sorry.” 

Ellie opened her front door, and stepped out of the way. 

“Me, too,” Ellie said, and she was about 98% sure that her smile didn’t meet her eyes, but she couldn’t bring herself to care, “Goodbye Jake.”

Jake stood there for a moment, and if he wanted a hug, or some other expression of forgivenes. 

He didn’t get it.

Soon, with some awkward shuffling, and his tail between his legs, he left. She shut the door surely behind him, and she could breathe again. 

Ellie checked her watch. Nick would be back any minute (she said ten minutes, and she just knew he would be back in exactly that amount of time, not a minute more or or less). 

She wasn’t wrong. 

“Everything okay?” Nick asked, looking at her up and down, almost clinically. She knew what he must be cataloging: red eyes, her hair that was messy from running her hands through, one too many times, and her sleeves rolled up (a nervous habit, she would roll them up, and then down, over and over again). 

“Yah, I think so,” Ellie said, her face breaking into a smile, “Did you see Jake in the hall?”

“He didn’t seen too pleased,” Nick said slowly, and Ellie was 80 percent sure that they didn’t have another heated interaction as he left. 

“He wasn’t,” Ellie bit her lip, unsure if she should explain what she meant. 

“Are you sure your okay?”

He set the groceries on the table lining the hall, and he was studying her, looking for signs of cracks. She should have felt uncomfortable under this level of scrutiny, but instead she just felt seen, like a hot house orchid benefiting from the intense hear of the sun. 

“Jurries still out,” She murmured, and Nick’s eyes darkened. “Leave Jake be. He’s spineless, he won’t come here again.” 

“Good.” There was a savage edge to his voice, and she wansn’t sure what to make of that. 

“Thank you, Nick. Seriously.” 

“Well I do come bearing ice cream-” Nick deflected, a bright smile in place that didn’t quite meet his eye. Her heart twinged.

“No, Nick,” She grabbed his arm before he could turn away, before he could disappear into her appartment, “Thank you for being here. Everything's better when you're around.”

“Ellie-” 

“This might be the complete wrong time to bring this up.” Ellie started then stopped, and NIck looked at her curiously. Her hand was still on his arm, but now it was circling his wrist.

“I know it seems reactionary or crazy or whatever, but, the last few days have beencrazy, and you make it better. Not as a partner or friend, but as a…”

Nick was barely an inch from her now, and she wasn’t sure who had moved first, but now they were breathing the same air, and if this is drowning she didn’t ever want to come up to the surface. 

“As a what,” He looked so surprised, like he had been punched in the stomach, but he had a ghost of a smile, too. He wasn’t unhappy, right? “Ellie.”

“You know.” 

“I promise you,” Nick’s voice dropped an octave, “That I won’t know if you don’t tell me. 

“You know,” Ellie implored, (it had to be obvious right, he was a detective, wasn’t he? It was obvious how head over heels she was), “You had to have known. This past week, these past years, we are more then friends. You have to know I think of you as more than friends-” 

“I didn’t,” Nick said, slowly, and Ellie could feel each syllable as her heart dropped, “But I can make up for lost time.” 

He brushed some of her unruly hair out of her eyes, and she was blinking, rapidly. 

“I don’t know what that means-” 

Nick kissed her like he had bee waiting for years to kiss her (maybe he had, she realized in a daze). He kissed her like someone was going to rip her away from him. She was growing in him and she didn't want to come up for air. 

“You make me feel,” Ellie couldn’t find the words, the words that would explain everything she felt, it was more than steady, it was more than sure, it was- “More.” 

“Ellie Bishop,” Nick said slowly, his voice vibrating down the whole of her body, and a shot of electricity shot down her spine, “You make me feel everything.”

They should wait, Ellie knew that. Take this slow. They had more than enough trauma wracked up between them, enough history shared, enough complications at work that could seriously backfire to make charging forward a really bad idea. But Ellie had waited years, and if what happened this week taught her anything it was that tomorrow was by no way guaranteed. 

Ellie grabbed his hand and tugged him towards her bedroom. 

Nick followed.


	14. tell me

When Nick had met Ellie, he hadn’t been sure what to make of her.

She was gorgeous, and tough, and smarter than him by miles, it didn’t take a genius to figure that out. Nick also knew that she had walls up. If anyone could recoginize it that was him; he had built his career on building sturdy walls around himself and knocking down other’s. It was almost compulsive, he saw a puzzle, he had to solve it, by any means necessary. But, Ellie, he left her alone. For all Ellie’s jokes and bad ass arrests, there was something that made him protective, even at the beginning. He didn’t want to chip away at her walls. He knew, better than most, that walls were up for a reason. 

He knew she had a tough time in school, had tough cases, they all had. After Qasim’s death, she had been heartbroken for months, maybe years, but that wasn’t it either. The story came out, over the years and countless beers (mostly drank by him). She had been married he had cheated and she had left him. Not exactly a novel story, but she could see how Jake’s betrayal twisted her up, even years latter. It was clear that Jake had been her first great love. The man she wanted to start a family with. 

And then he showed up at his front door, less then a week after the most traumatic moment of her life, snot even trying to mask how much he longed for her. 

Nick hadn’t hated a lot of people in his life, but as he hated Jake. It wasn’t even that he was jealous (which he was, in a deep, twisting, humiliating way), or that he thought she still had feelings for him (she couldn’t, could she?) it was that look on Ellie’s face when she was him. 

Those walls, carefully built brick by brick, came crashing down. He could have killed Jake for that.

But, Ellie didn’t want him to beat him to a pulp, so he wouldn’t. If she wanted him to walk away from the situation he would. If Ellie asked him for something he would move heaven and earth to get it for her, no matter how much he hated it. 

So instead he went to the corner store and got a few pints of ice cream, and tried to get the rage to simmer (he got it to a near boil, which he took as progress). 

Ten minute, Ellie said ten minutes. 

Nick was back in nine. 

His pace slowed as he walked through the hallway, and just has he turned the corner, glimpsing Ellie’s front door he saw Jake turn, and the door shut soundly. 

“You’re welcome to her,” Jake snarked, walking past him, all puffed up bravado poorly masking jagged hurt. 

Nick didn’t think, didn’t breathe, and Jake was pushed against the wall, his arm pushed squarely across his neck. 

“Don’t contact her again,” Nick said, his voice calm, even as blood pumped heavily in his ears, “If she wants to see you she’ll reach out.”

Nick didn’t move until Jake nodded stiffly. Jake fled to the stairs, not looking back. 

Good. 

When Nick went back to Ellie, eyes red, he almost regretted only throwing Jake against the wall. He might have gone and tracked the bastard down, consequences be damned, but then she started talking and didn’t stop Ellie said “you make me feel... more”, and Jake didn’t matter. Gibb’s rules didn’t matter. The walls he had built up since he was fifteen didn’t matter. 

Ellie mattered. 

And he knew that she had been to hell and back, and a better man would walk away. 

He wasn’t the better man. 

(Who was the guy that could be kissed by Eleanor Bishop, like she had been waiting a lifetime to do it, and walk away?) 

So Nick let himself be consumed by her. 

A couple of times, but who was counting, (Nick was, Nick definitely was.) 

****************************

When Nick woke up the next morning, he wasn’t quite sure what to with himself. It was almost an out of body experience, this is the moment that he had fantisised about for so long, and it was real. Ellie was curled around him, all tousled blonde hair, and wide expanses of skin he wanted to map, every freckle, every scar more beautiful then the next. She smelled like sex and lavender and dryer sheets, and he never wanted to leave this bed, or this room with the blinds carelessly thrown open, the sun almost burning his eyes. 

“Good morning,” Ellie said sleepily, as she burrowed deeper into his neck, breathing deeply. 

Nick wanted to wake up like this, every day, for the rest of her life. 

Ellie yawned into his chest, and Nick carded his hand through her hair, already mourning not being able to touch her when they went back to work. 

God, the look on Gibb’s face when he finds out-

“Do you regret,” Ellie broke him out of his own thoughts, “Last night”

She was studying him in that way she did, but there was slight panic lacing her voice. 

“Never,” Nick said quickly, “I was just thinking-”

“Gibbs,” Ellie said, reading his mind like always.

“Yes.”

“He’ll get over it,” Ellie said confidently, then her smile waivered, “Eventually.”

Nick laughed.

“He’ll have to,” Nick pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and Ellie curled into his chest a little more, “I’m not giving this up, not unless you send me packing.”

“Or you want to run,” Ellie said, her voice teasing, but there was something sharp in her tone, too.

“Nah,” Nick shook his head, “I am in, I’m all in.” 

“That right?” Ellie said, with a smile in her voice.

“That’s right.” They were both grinning at each other like idiots, absolute idiots when they were interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing. 

“What time is it?” Ellie said, half stifled by a yawn. 

Nick glanced at the alarm clock frowning. 

“We aren’t going to be late for another 15 minutes at least.” 

With regret, they broke apart, grabbing clothes strewn on either side of Ellie’s bed. After Ellie threw on a T-shirt and sleep shorts she answered the phone. 

As the phone call went on, her voice got softer and softer until she was saying nothing at all. 

“Okay Gibbs,” Ellie’s voice was barely above a whisper, “No I’m fine. I want to come in. I promise, I’m okay.”

“Ellie,” Nick said, the moment she hung up the phone, “What’s happening?”

Ellie laced their fingers together, avoiding his eyes. 

“They caught him,” Ellie said, disgust levied on the word ‘him’, “The man who tried to...He’s in custody.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters y'all! Well 1 more, and then the epilogue. Thanks for everyone who left kudos or comments. They honestly made my day and helped motivate me to keep writing. I appreciate you all <3


End file.
